I recently walked away from learning a trade after 18 months in the job, there's mitigating factors in my decision but the main one is that I spent most of that time thinking about killing myself. I didn't enjoy the work and everyday I felt like I was wasting my life just to pay to survive. I was so emotionally and physically exhausted from the job I had no energy to do anything in my free time which made the depression worse. This was a job that pays anywhere between 50k-100k when you're fully qualified and still I couldn't bear the thought of spending the rest of my life doing that shit. There's people earning minimum wage who would kill for that kind of career and to me it meant nothing. I've worked in factories, warehouses, pubs, restaurants and on building sites since I was 17 and every position has made me depressed. I can't shake the feeling that this isn't why we're here. The most advanced species on the planet and we spend our whole lives breaking our backs to avoid poverty.
The other thing that triggers the suicidal thoughts is being broke. I'm an addict who can't score, I can't afford to go see a movie, go to a comedy club, a live music performance or basically anything that brings me any level of joy. I'm living with my mother who already struggles financially so I'm burdening her by not contributing to the household. I'm avoiding my friends because it's unfair to expect them to foot the bill for any plans we might make. I'm not going hungry, I've got a roof over my head and a usable internet connection so I'm appreciative of what I do have. It's just not enough to enjoy life.
I definitely need professional help for my mental health, I know that. But where does that leave me? I go through all the anxiety and stress of dealing with my demons just to get out the other side and get another unsatisfying job? I can't deal with the application process, interviews and then the soul crushing reality that I've got to sign my life away to another company for the foreseeable future. My options are be unhappy because I've got to work, be unhappy because I'm broke. Or bite the bullet and just end it. I don't want to do any of those things but if I had to pick, death is leading the race. I don't see how this shit gets better, the world isn't going to change and we're all going to be a slave to the system for the rest of our lives. Any movement for societal change has failed because it's in the interest of those who control the media to keep the status quo as it is. Even if I manage to make a sustainable living doing something I enjoy, I still have to put up with the fact that we live in a society that doesn't value human life beyond what our labour can provide to the system. You got motherfuckers hoarding wealth while the rest of us die fighting over crumbs, what's the fucking point in even trying anymore.
I'm just using this post to vent, this isn't r/SuicideWatch so I don't mean to alarm y'all. I think it comes across I don't want to die, it just seems like the best choice out of the available options. Soon I'm just going to have to get help, get a job and I can try to use what I earn to invest in myself and figure out how to work for me. I've got some ideas how to achieve that it just seems like giving up is the easier option.
I don't know how to finish this, I just want to say if this resonates with you, you're not alone. We're all tryna make the best of an evil situation and hopefully we can win in the end.