Thanks for reading. I can't talk to my partner about it as for her I have to be the strong guy, no emotions, no weaknesses and so on. So thanks reddit that I can vent a little here.
So, I did my academics, did my run with Amazon, with a food retailer and now with a food producer. And actually the food producer is kinda OK. Salary is fine. Workload is OK with 50 to 60h/week especially as overtime can be used up as vacation and benefits are OK too. But for the first time I got very bad feedback on my probation time and it's very likely that I won't make it.
This sent me down a spiral. I can't sleep. Can't concentrate at work anymore and thus it's becoming a self fulfilling prophecy.
Now I have to provide for a family as I'm the only one working and I kinda grew a custom to the “middle-class” lifestyle. For the first time I don't have to worry anymore if I can pay rent and food. I can send my kid to a good pre school and can save money for later.
But I'm so fucking unhappy. I depend on my bosses mercy and get no support, am supposed to do the job of 2 people and am expected to know 3 months in, everything about the Industry, the company and the market. And no matter how often I switch Jobs or industries. It's basically always the same shit.
I can't really fit in and feel alien. I do my job but hate any decisions that make no sense or result in layoffs to save costs while the company is sending c levels to Thailand to celebrate great results, or while the c level is getting many times the blue collars salary. Yet the blue collar or white collar middle management have to take the heat of cost saving measures.
I would love to follow my passion of music and nature and would love to be more present for my family. But when ever i am coming home I'm so exhausted that I can barely play with my 2 year old or have any quality time with the misses. I go to bed at 08 30 pm because I'm exhausted.
How can I become less dependent on a boss yet still be able to provide for my family? I can't. And this sucks. I hate wage slavery. Thanks for listening.