Big rant incoming. Here’s a little background about me and my experience with school and the workforce to understand why I’ve given up on both:
Growing up, I was considered to be “smart” at an early age. I had excellent reading/comprehension skills, always scored high on standardized tests, and took AP classes in middle/high school. However, I had untreated ADHD for my entire childhood, and was only recently diagnosed at the age of 19. Despite my capabilities, this made school miserable for me as I couldn’t remain focused/motivated enough to do the independent work. Even to this day, I can’t really sit down and get through an assignment without losing focus and forcing myself to stay engaged.
Everyone knows how kids with ADHD act, specifically hyperactive types. Talkative, excited, antsy, etc. However, since I had no diagnosis to explain my behavior, I was just labeled disruptive and defiant by nearly every teacher that I had from K-12. There was never any sort of intervention on ways I can work on being a better student either, just phone calls and meetings with my mother detailing how much of a problem that I was. Of course, my parents didn’t understand my situation either, and to them I just wasn’t trying hard enough and wanted to fuck around in class all day. Having virtually no support system at school or home makes it tough on a kid to self-motivate, especially when you’re used to hearing all the ways that you’re failing to be a good student.
Another thing I had to deal with growing up is stuttering. It’s affected my speech for as long as I can remember. I can’t honestly say that I got “bullied” in school for it, since I was still pretty accepted and liked among my peers. However, I’ve internalized a lot of the friendly teasing and laughs I’ve gotten over the years, and it’s basically destroyed my self-esteem. It’s gotten much worse in my adulthood due to my increasing anxiety and limited social interaction with my peers after high school. I feel like my ability to effectively communicate with people has been stunted because of this, and it’s the #1 reason why I have trouble finding and keeping jobs. I can hardly even get through an interview without making the interviewer visually uncomfortable.
I have enough self-awareness to not apply for jobs that require a lot of verbal interaction though like receptionists, cashiers, etc., but I’m still viewed as incapable because of the way that I speak and it’s pretty frustrating. I can put together a fast food combo meal and stock shelves just like everyone else, I’m not slow, I just have a harder time speaking! I’m definitely not a lazy employee either, in fact I’ve had supervisors get mad at me because I choose not to half ass and do my job the right way. Here’s an example:
I worked at Round Table for over a year, and we didn’t have a designated dishwasher, so every crew member would have to take turns doing dishes. Anyone who’s used one of restaurant dishwashing machines knows they’re practically useless if you don’t actually rinse the food off of the dishes before putting them in. Personally, I would give them a good rinse and a scrub if needed before putting them in the machine. If my manager saw me doing this, she’d scold me… for making sure customers had clean, spotless plates to eat off of… The head manager told me I wasn’t mopping the floors good enough, so once I started taking extra time to be more precise with that, it was a problem as well.
I’m not saying all of this is in direct correlation to my speech or ADHD symptoms, but people think they can still treat me like a child and disrespect me for some reason, and I’m honestly just sick of it. It feels like I go to work to get the same treatment that my teachers gave me all over again. Nobody should have to go into work every day and feel they’re under a microscope and being berated for every little mistake they make. Unfortunately, every job and employer has been just like this though. It seems like no matter how hard I think I’m working, it’s never enough and there’s always a problem. That’s why I’m done with traditional jobs, and I never want to work for anyone else again.
I have no desire to finish college and continue the rat race. I have no desire to keep learning things I don’t actually care about. I have no desire to chase a useless degree that won’t even guarantee me a job afterwards. I have no desire to compete with hundreds of other qualified candidates for jobs that I won’t get. I have no desire to network, kiss ass, and all the other things you have to do to climb up the corporate ladder once you get said job. I’m completely over it.
It looks like have to forge my own path and create my future for myself. I have always had an interest in music, and I’ve been teaching myself how to produce and sound engineer at home to be able to make a career out of that. Ultimately, my goal is to open my own recording studio, so I don’t have to work for anyone else again. I have big goals and they won’t be easy to achieve, but this is the only way I see myself being successful and happy at this point.