I have bipolar II. I was diagnosed in 2016 and have struggled to keep a job ever since. I spent so much of my life putting in the time, doing my best, going to college, and busting my ass at all my jobs. I became THE GUY to turn to at my last one and when it came time for raises, I earned $1 more an hour. $1 more for doing twice the work the people around me were doing. That broke me. I was already low and then I started looking for places in the office to hang myself. I’d been looking at short term disability to undergo electroconvulsive therapy and that was the final straw. Now I’m not going back after getting long term approved.
I can’t believe the amount of work I put in for a decade only to be treated like a disposable tool when I worked my ass off. Companies don’t care. And I don’t think they ever will. And if I have to go back into the workforce before anything changes, I think I’ll probably kill myself instead.
I just can’t shake the feeling of worthlessness though. I was brainwashed well into the “If you’re not working, you’re lazy” ideology. And convincing myself I’m not a sack of shit is a constant therapeutic battle. My worth is so much more than how hard I work. But how do I convince myself of that?! It just never sticks!
For now, I stream on twitch. Maybe I’ll get big. Most likely I won’t. But it’s something to fill the void.