Hello guys. I hope this post fits here. If this post gets attention and id recieve some nice advice id appreciate it of course, but at this point i think i just need to get it off my chest thats all.
So i guess you need to know a few things from my background to understand me more so here goes : I’m 22 Yo guy. I have a boyfriend and we work at the same place. He is one of the three founders of the company we work in. I have an excellent relationship with all 3 of my bosses ( including bf obviously ). They are nice, understanding, caring and kind. They dont want to fuck me over, they are not homophobic, stupid or greedy.
However, I’ve been working there for a year and a half now and I’m seriously struggling. I have many problems and I just don’t know where to start so I’m sorry if this ends up being a mess.
I started working there when me and my bf decided to get a mortgage so we can buy our own home. I left university because we needed money. When my bf told me about the work ( and also before I applied, when I met my boss) it sounded like the work is nice when it comes to pay, working hours and colleagues. Now I’m 1 and a year half in, I get around 700€ monthly, I work 8+ hours daily, and we have new colleagues right now. 700€ is nice of course, problem is our mortgage is 600€ so half of my pay goes there, work is around 40+ km away so either I go by train ( and then I gotta get up 2 hours early and then come home 2 hours late so technically because of work 12 hours of my day are gone 4 of which I don’t have paid but I have to pay for them) or by car which eats 90€ of my pay and new colleagues are hoaxers and are homophobic and I gotta pretend I like them every day.
The work is technical I work with some electronics and stuff. Ever since elementary I hated that stuff, I hate maths, I hate physics, and I gotta listen to some shit about ampers, volts and I don’t know what the fuck else every goddamn day. I just I’m so tired and stressed and fell hopeless. I fell like my life is slipping through my fingers. I can’t leave because I don’t have education and I don’t know what else to do. I’m not particularly good at things. I always always loved video games tho. And It was a dream of mine to be a writer for some video game company but considering it sounds silly and I don’t know programming or anything about that stuff on technical level there is no chance somebody would hire me and even if there was somebody I just don’t know where to start.
I’m struggling so much that I started to lose my hair. I visited a doctor and she told me I have alopecia. She says that it’s psychological, usually because of being under pressure or stressed. I’m 22 and I have 3 fucking bald circles on my head. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to work there but I want to live with my bf but it’s not enough motivation for me. I loved the life I had before. I used to be severely depressed for years and then thanks to my friends and my bf I overcame it but now I feel like I’m falling down the hole again. It’s just so tiring to lose more than a half of the week because of work and when the paycheck arrives almost all of it goes away and now with the inflation I burn through the rest in a week and a half. I was thinking about university but don’t have money to go to university because there are other expenses… I feel like when I get old and in my final moments before i die, when my life will flash in front my eyes I will see nothing but work. What’s the point of working for living when u can’t live your life to the fullest ? I’m so tired. Of course I don’t wanna end it sooner, no worries there but I’m just so tired and want to change things but I don’t know how.
Sorry for this depressing post but I’m glad I guess that it’s off my chest at last.