It's scary because it feels like it could be tomorrow, 5 years, 10 years, 30 years from now. Like it's looming over me. I am a survivor of childhood abuse and have Complex PTSD, Depression, and Anxiety. I also have ADHD. I’ve struggled with chronic suicidal ideation for years. I’ve come to the conclusion that work is one of the biggest triggers for it – I have to work to live, I’m underpaid for the work I do, and getting up everyday to work is getting harder and harder. But if I don’t, the bills don’t get paid, and I’ll be homeless again. The longer I push myself to do it the more clear it becomes that it’s not sustainable for me. I’m in therapy. I take medication. I have tried sticking to a rigid routine for sleep. I’m so burnt out from grad school and work I just don’t see myself lasting.
I even, at a friends encouragement, applied for disability. I know it won’t get approved. I’ve been thinking about getting a dog to help me get outside because I like to walk but depression makes it difficult. I do already take care of two cats very well.
I am scared of this end result being true because I know it would devastate my fiancé. I wish I could just not work but we don’t make enough money for that. I’m hoping once I graduate next summer I can find a job that pays enough for me to work less than 40 hours.
I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else feels this way?