I dont know if this is the right place for this, I'm sorry if it's not.
I know things aren't meant to be easy and I'm so grateful for all of the things that I have and all of the people in my life, but God do I wish I could feel a moment of relief or just feel like something is moving in the right direction.
I do everything I can to bring in money for my family and household. I work every little odd job I can, I search for a job to support us but work is so hard to find right now and home life makes it so hard to be on a set schedule. I volunteer to help as many people as I can and can't help feeling guilty for hoping that they send a few bucks my way for it. I've sold most of my precious belongings that were left for me by my parents and things I worked hard for when I was younger just to get by.
I live in a house with my fiance and her unreasonably large family to help support them. My fiance is the oldest of 8 siblings and is only 22, I'm going to be 24 next month. I could never imagne bringing in 8 kids into this world and I have my problems with it but they were much better off and in much better health before our help was needed. My girlfriend is a blood cancer survivor and while she is in remission(thank god) it permanently changed her body and has made it so hard for her to work. She tries to do things from home like selling art or home jobs to support her siblings but it only goes so far. Her parents are sick too. Her mom can barely use her hands at this point and her dad general health is just at an all time low and an extended battle with covid at the start of the pandemic. He does everything he can and he's a good dad but the work he does is just never financially enough. I'm on the verge of needing a knee replacement, at 24. Its crazy. I was already in poor condition before all of this and it's my fault for always doing physical labor but its nearly always been my only option because I've had the responsiblities of taking care of the people around me and not just myself since I was 13. I fight through the pain in my leg everyday but eventually I won't be able to and then what?
We go through charities and churches and government assistance and I'm so grateful for all that they've given us. I don't know If we'd be around without them. But it just never feels like enough. We can't celebrate birthdays or holidays. All of our money goes towards necessities and house repairs. I'm extremely blessed to have the phone I'm typing this on but I just wish I could give more to my family. I wish that I could work and live comfortably. I wish I could see their excitement from opening gifts. I wish I could take my fiance out on a vacation that she deserves so damn much without destroying my body even more because of work. I'm tired and in pain and I'm sorry that the first thing I say on here is just me complaining when I have more than some but I just wish this were better, life doesn't suck but it's so fucking hard.