I am a Junior embedded Sw Engineer and I have been working for this company for one year.
This is my first real experience in this field since my previous experiences were in other domains of sw.
The whole team is composed by more experienced people. For all the project I had little guidance. I had to ask questions to get information and there has never been a proper training. We immediately work on this project for this other company.
Also english is not my native language and the whole discussions were in English and I moved country from another non english speaking country to get this job which make things even harder.
They never set expectations neither goals for my career in the company. My portion of work is never really clear.
Also they gave me to do this architecture design of the whole system which usually should be something architets do after years and years of training and knowledge. How am I supposed to be in charge of such thing when people argue all the time about information, if nothing is clear between seniors as well and if I have never done such a thing?
My manager is a good person but he works a lot, he really works a lot of hours, but I can't do the same. He expects other people to be top performer I think, and when I was not meditating and having also relationship trouble it was really hard for me because I was adsorbing his chaotic and anxious nature and I was at end of the day drained and tired.
Things go better since I decided that fuck this job I would not lose my mind over this and since I started meditating.
I am not really sure if I should live this company, if I am just a bad employee, I am thinking it's not me that I am incopetent but it's them they are disorganized.
When they try to review my work they often have this annoyed and bored look which is annoying as fuck. They also gave subtle comments during these months which annoyed the fuck out of me but of course I never reacted if not internally.
The fact is I keep wondering if it's me or them. I feel like after less than a year will hurt my cv but I am often scared they will fire me.