I work in the wedding industry in a college town. We never book weddings on home game days due to the crowds.
I was widowed two years ago; it's a pain I still carry with me every day, but most people wouldn't know it because I try to maintain composureand not bring others down. However, as both my wedding anniversary and the anniversary of my husband's death (two weeks apart) are approaching, I have started to feel a renewed sense of pain and grief. Apparently it takes longer than two years to mourn a 12 year relationship and a very tragic end.
I looked at our upcoming bookings and realized my colleague has weddings booked on both these emotional days, with home games and no events on the other Saturdays. We had already scheduled our student assistant to be the 2nd leadership on site on one of the days for no particular reason. So, I wrote an email to my supervisor requesting to also staff our assistant as the 2nd person for the anniversary of my husband's death. I stated that even though it has been two years, I had a very difficult time last year and having to be present on a wedding for either of these dates might be a trigger. That I might not be able to serve guests with a smile or maintain my composure around the bride and groom while thinking of my deceased husband on those dates. Essentially, I asked to be excused from working weddings on these dates due to mental health reasons.
My supervisor met with me to discuss the request. She said she wasn't aware that we had already scheduled our student worker, and that if I was excused both dates, that I would then have six Saturdays off in a row which isn't fair to my colleague since she's never had 6 Saturdays off in a row after 3 years of working here.
I don't think “It's fair” that I have to hear my husband's dying voice in my head or think of him bleeding to death alone on the floor. I don't think “it's fair” that I'm treated like I'm asking for 6 Saturdays off in a row when my colleague also gets 4 of them since we have home games; I'm asking for two days, not six. If we had a home game on either of these emotional days for me, there wouldn't even be an issue. I can't help it that the football schedule lined up this way or that both dates are specifically weddings and not rehearsal dinners which would be less of a trigger.
I am working rehearsal dinners the nights before each of these emotional dates, and my supervisor quipped at how I was able to turn the emotions on and off…that one day was fine but the next might not be. She doesn't understand that my grief is never “off” it's just managed, and seeing a bride and groom exchange vows on the exact specific dates of my own anniversary and the day of my husband's death might be too much for me to maintain the composure I've worked so hard on since my husband's death.
My mental health needs shouldn't be equated to “fairness” towards my colleague. If she ever went through something as horrific as being widowed in her 30's; I would cover her events anytime she needed if she was mourning on anniversaries of special dates, because I know how hard every damn day is.
At least these dates won't fall on potential wedding days for another few years, and all should be fine as I continue to recover from my loss.