I am at home drinking since 10am. Supposed to start the job in 2 hours but have been consumed with thoughts to k*ll myself since I woke up.
Last week during the interview, I presented then with my extensive resume with years upon years of experience and their ad said they paid more for experience, the interviewer said they could only afford to give me $11/hr. That's $1 more than what they pay every other employee. I was distracted by my OCD intrusive thoughts to cut off her head which had nothing to do with what we were talking about but are a symptom of my harm OCD and I accepted her offer without actually thinking about it.
Now I've been ineligible for unemployment since accepting their terms, unable to pay my part of our mortgage, and my OCD has gotten progressively worse which is my fault because I promised when I got out of the mental health facility last time to get help for my alcoholism which I did not. Now I'm taking shots and burning away the day, dreading my boyfriend coming home to either find me passed out or de*d. I've been tempted to drive myself to the nearest emergency room just so that he isn't the person who finds me. I'm a selfish twat and losing the ability to control myself. This was the first job in a gigantic stack of applications that gave me an interview and they actually hired me and now I've gone and fucked it up. For what? A few measly dollars? Fuck me. He's going to hate me when he gets home.