I apologise in advance as this post may be long, tedious, or rambly. I'm incredibly stressed and on the ass end of a massive panic attack. For reference, I'm based in New Zealand, so I'm not sure how much help I'll get here. I'm also on mobile, so please excuse any yucky formatting.
I've been working for an organisation for 5 years (as of next week). They were my dream organisation to work for when I was in university, and I was psyched when I was accepted for a role there. They're the kind of place that has a 'play hard, work hard' mantra. They primarily employ people in their early 20s, and have a number of fixtures implicitly designed to make you want to be at the office longer (e.g. beer pong tables, foosball, beer tap, free beer and wine in a beer fridge, free breakfast… Think Google). They're also the kind of place that will have a huge, alcoholic celebration for an executive's birthday, but 'can't afford' to increase salaries.
That's not what I'm here about though. About 3 years ago, I was placed into a new role as part of a restructure. It was a hybrid of what I did previously and loved and was the best in the organisation at (analytics), and something new (media trading). I thought I would enjoy the new role, so I signed the contract and that was that.
I changed to another team with a new line manager. This manager started out ok, but quickly devolved into a heavy micromanager, helicopter manager. She never congratulated me for things I did well, but barrage me daily on mistakes I was making, which in turn caused me to lose all confidence and make nothing BUT mistakes.
She was so horrible to me that when I told her that my cat of 22 years passed away and I wasn't able to be there with her while it happened, she didn't even say sorry for your loss. No. She interrogated me about some client work I had been working on that she had taken issue with, long after my work day was finished. I ended up telling her I needed time to grieve so I would be logging off. Every time I had annual leave that I used to go on holiday, she would harass me via text about work almost every day I was away. After I came back from holiday, she would have a literal massive list of 'red flags' to yell at me. It got to the point where I had a massive panic attack and had to be admitted to hospital in October just over a year ago.
In January, that manager went on maternity leave, with the idea that she would be returning in 12 months. I got a new manager to replace her, and she has been lovely, so I set my internal timer to leave this job before January 2023.
During today's team catch up, it was announced that a team member has resigned. Another one also resigned about 3 weeks ago and is in her last day. I thought that was disappointing but ok… until my current line manager's boss said that my old boss has put her hand up to 'ease the stress ' while they find 2 replacements.
My heart sunk and dropped out my ass. I feel like I have a lot of trauma surrounding that manager, to the point where I have nightmares about her (I actually had one last night), and seeing photos of her gives me extreme anxiety. I completely shut down. I took 2 lorazepam, scheduled an appointment with EAP, and went straight to bed. My boyfriend called my manager to let her know I was not well. The idea of being in the same space as her makes me want the earth to swallow me whole, and it's just made my job search that much more urgent.
I'm struggling with health problems galore that I'm in the middle of investigating at the moment, which are also negatively impacting my ability to work… Depression, anxiety, deafness, long-COVID, poorly controlled asthma, chronic fatigue, and potentially undiagnosed ADHD (I'm going to be assessed but my doctor thinks it's highly likely).
I tried my best with my old manager to make things work. Even HR got involved. The blame was put on me for everything, and the responsibility to improve the situation, when I had already done so much in terms of talking to my doctor, collaborating and buddying up with other more experienced members of the team, going to EAP and an external therapist (who thought I was being treated unfairly) having to do lists coming out my ass, and a whole manner of other things. They flatly refused to accept their share of the responsibility for making things right. I was put on a Performance Improvement Plan and threatened with termination if I didn't succeed.
When my current manager replaced the old one, she treats me with dignity and like a human being. The change has been profound in a lot of areas including my willingness to communicate with her, and my standard of work when I'm having good days. I was actually able to get off the PIP thanks to her.
Now that my old manager is coming back much dinner than expected, and while I'm going through a number of health issues, it's put me in a spin and I don't know what to do…
Do I quit with no notice, citing mental health?
Do I see if I can get medical retirement?
Do I quit and go on the benefit for a while?
Do I look for a new job immediately and then put my 4 week's notice in?
How will I function on only my partner's income?
What other questions do I need to answer for myself?
Who can hold my hand on this?
I'm completely overwhelmed searching for jobs. I don't know what I want to do next and my brain is so cloudy I'm struggling to think through and rationalize this. I've reached out to a couple of employment agencies that specialise in mental illness and disability, but haven't heard back. I'm waiting to get an appointment at a psychiatrist as well, and to save the $700 it's going to take to get a diagnosis. I feel mentally and physically paralysed.