I've never been dreading something more in my entire life for supposedly something that is going to “benefit” me. I'm about to be earning $300 less every month for something that I probably will use one time, if at all. And when I'm eligible next month for the 401k plan, I won't be able to contribute a cent because I'm barely keeping my head afloat as it is.
And every day I ask myself, where did I go wrong? Graduated high school, went to university, graduated, degree in Business, Have and have held a full-time job since I could drive, saved every penny and dollar I possibly could, I've gone on one 2-week trip in my entire life 10 years ago. And now my car is about to die, which is going to deplete my bank account to zero and I've written off any possibility of ever owning a home and/or starting a family. No woman in their right mind wants to bring up a family in a 1-2 bedroom apartment, which is all I can afford for now. If my rent goes up, I am completely fucked.
At 34, I work 40+ hours a week, I pull in $25/hr, and I had to fight fucking tooth and nail for this salary/job. I actually tried to negotiate and they told me take it or leave it and I needed it. On paper, by all metrics, I should be getting ahead but instead I'm sinking like a worthless rock. Taxes took back every penny of the cushion provided due to the pandemic. I've been applying to everything I possibly can and am immediately written off at any attempt to earn more, while continually getting offered less and less… all the while I am bombarded repeatedly with news headlines that tell me how fucking grateful and better off I should be right now because of whatever the government is doing, which is truly rage inducing.
How did I fall so far behind??? And on top of all of this, I used to have dreams and ambitions but there is zero time for any of that wishful thinking anymore. If I speed home, I can maybe squeeze in 3 hours to myself every night– before dinner, before chores, before resting, and I'm left with the choice of either: stay current on the events of the world, or spend the last hour dabbling in a hobby that I won't have time to revisit for the next 2-3-4 days, which feeds into “what's the fucking point, it would take me decades to learn anything of value”
Please. I urge someone to tell me where I went wrong. Because I am really, really, really struggling to see a point to any of this. I have heeded the advice of all those around me– my family, my peers, everyone who informed me what was necessary to be successful. And right now… I feel further behind than I've ever felt. And it makes me so fucking angry. At this point, I'm honestly wondering if welfare pays better– I'd probably breakeven every month instead of saving $75-100 but I'd have hours upon hours of my life back.