About a year ago, me and my GF broke up. This is where everything started for me to go down.
I am managing a department in a corporate company for 4 years now.
When i got the promotion, it felt like this is want I want.
After changes in my private life, I started to loose motivation to work at all.
I was convinced, that I it‘s because I need to cope with my private stuff first.
But I never got out of this mood.
Everything got worse.
In my job, I can survive with doing the bare minimum. I drive myself into stressful situation, because I procrastinate almost every topic to the last minute. I fake numbers to stay inconspicuous.
In the morning, I wake up with increased heartrate, from the first moment I think about work. I sometimes cancel meetings in the morning with shady excuses, just to postpone the moment when I need to get up and face all this mess.
I work for this company now for 15 years and I was a good, motivated and happy employee. I worked really hard to get my promotion to be a head of a department.
But I cannot indentify with this company and my tasks anymore.
All feels worthless and an absolute waste of time.
In my job, I take care about the quality figures of our products.
But I don‘t care anymore. It‘s just numbers to make our management feel comfortable about our performance.
But after I started my terrible habit, to procastinate everything, I feel even more how useless and replaceable everything I do is for the company.
In the last year, tons of people were replaced, kicked out or left without successors. Good people, where I expected the impact to the company will be massive. But it isn‘t. The next day, everything goes back to normal, like they never existed.
Nevertheless, my main problem is that I know I‘m creating a toxic environment for myself by the way I „work“.
It drives me into a depression and constant stress. I am afraid about every sound of my workphone. Still I check it every minute. Even after work or on the weekends. Probably I just wait for the whole bubble to pop.
Since 2 years I also work from home almost every day.
In the beginning I liked it a lot. Now I feel that the only difference between working hours and freetime is an opened or closed laptop.
This is really destroying me from the inside.
I know that I am not behaving fair for my company, but I lost the spark about my work. I don‘t want to be the „best“ employee anymore.
I just want to pass time with salary until I found a solution for myself that makes me feel happy and useful again.
But I don‘t know how.
I was looking for other jobs already, but I am very specialized in my industry field, that possible jobs for me, are just the same shit in a different company.
I don‘t know actually how to get out of this.
Probably, I cannot even blame my company. It‘s me and my lack of motivation.
There‘s not a real question in my post.
I just wanted to share my situation and maybe someone is able to give my behaviour and situation a name, with which I can do some research how to get out of that.