I don't quite know where to ask for help so I'm just going to scream into the void *cue screaming*.
Like many other Americans, I believed that the key to success was to secure career advancement and “wOrK hArD”. After I graduated college I started with a company in sales but quickly pivoted into field operations in a construction/production type environment. I found very nice success in doing this. In operations for this company you are applauded if you don't set things on fire and quit, so I was regularly showered in gallons of praise for doing the job, and actually doing it pretty well. The company relocated me three times, each move awarded me a more successively challenging role. The company also doubled its size twice through M&A activity during my experience. In my last role I had a team of 15 under me, we won branch of the year, everyone was cheering me on. Silly old me even got an MBA during this time. By the last role though, I was extremely stressed, and absolutely miserable. I put on a lot of weight because I was eating my stress in the form of Wingstop, and I dreaded going to work. I'm an introvert/loner but I literally had no life because I kept moving/surviving work was my top priority.
After five years of all that, at 29 I quit in May 2021 with nothing lined up. I temporarily moved into my moms basement. Life felt like a vacation. I lost 30 pounds the second I quit that job. I started hiking and exploring beauty and leisure. Music sounded better. I nourished my health. After a 2 month hiatus I got an office role in purchasing. The role was okay but I quit after 8 months because the room they had me working in was windowless, fluorescent, dusty, and dreary. They also didn't give holidays off, and literally nobody in the office celebrated any holidays with their families. Then I started as a supply chain manager for a natural baby products company which was a HUGE mistake because it was the most toxic work place I've ever been involved in. I should have heeded the 2.2 star average review score on Glassdoor. I quit that after 2 months.
When I left the baby products hellscape, I decided to use the rest of my money from my big job and go backpacking through Europe. I had never left the country before. A lot of the other backpackers were like 21-23 and I was 30 staying in hostels. It really made me realize how much I had given myself over to my work. Time being a fickle bitch, I had literally given my 20's to this company. I am also truly grateful for the things I have been able to afford myself by stashing my money when I was too busy to spend it during my construction days. After doing that for two months I returned to the States determined to find remote work because after the dusty cube farm I feel that I can't ever go to an office again. I was able to secure a remote role doing vendor contracting making 1/3 less than what I'm used to. I've been in that role for three weeks and I just can't find the motivation to do much at work. In this role I have been giving it the bare minimum. I put in maybe three hours of work a day just trying to put together a façade that I'm doing stuff. During the rest of the day I'm leisure focused. Reading books, taking long walks, playing with my dog. I just don't give a fuck anymore. And I feel bad about it! I wake up every morning being like “OK! Today is the day we will give it a full 8 hours of work!” and then it doesn't happen. That's what I have a problem with: I want to do something, I tell myself I'm going to do it, and then I don't do it!!! I feel like I've lost my ambition, motivation, capacity to control my output. The fear that I have is that one day I'm going to need to put in X amount of work or I'll lose my job, and I won't be able to do it.
I've developed this anti-capitalist, anti-work, mindset. I hate how our society exploits workers for the benefit of the billionaire class. But even more I HATE the culture that reinforces that concept. I hate the idea that we're all supposed to prioritize work and output above every other element in our lives, and business comes first. Part of me feels good that I'm giving it the bare minimum and prioritizing my own well being at the cost of my work.
I feel like the last year I have had mental illness surrounding work. I regularly think about going to a therapist to talk about work, because my head has been spinning trying to find stable ground. I have NO regrets leaving my career behind, but I also am struggling to figure out what's next, and what I really want for myself in work.
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. Simply writing this has humbled me a bit and provided some clarity. I feel very fortunate that despite my whirlwind of an experience I manage to get by day by day. I'm just confused.