Edit: If anyone's reading this and looking for something helpful to say, just “hang in there” might help, know I'm not alone. . . . .
HOAs are racist – it's a truism. But I became homeless and then jobless due to rent hikes 6 months back and moved in with my mother. She lives in a rural HOA area population 400 something. Please don't try to figure out where I am, deleting this post not long after it goes up.
There's a lot of stuff from just the 18 hours I've spent around these HOA people I've got glints of, but training with one guy I met the first “So racist he calls white people n-words for pissing him off” in a long time. He's a perfectly nice guy in most respects, everyone “in the community” loves him, if I say a damned thing literally noone will believe, and most of the people I could tell are almost certainly just like him anyway.
I've been having a panick attack coming in waves for about 30 hours now, feels like a heart attack or caffeine overdose. I'm sick and scared and angry. I'm gay, and better believe he's casually gay-bashing as well, not gonna fly the flag and find out how he treats me tho.
People round here spend an awful lot of time talking about how much they wanna kill stuff, conversation starts with feral hogs which, admittedly are a problem, but then it's snakes, skunks, and deer, and then “inbred meth head white trash”.
I know I'm not in any danger – I have never closeted myself before, but it's not exactly hard, particularly because I've been single for so long, and I'm white, and my mom, her husband, and her parents are all well liked “in the community” . . . I'm safe. Probably. . . but the hate. Just, being around someone being so nice and the unrestrained hate of it all, because it's a small town of mostly one mind when it comes to that, huge over 65 population, blah blah. I'm rambling.
I floated the idea of reporting a hostile work environment and my mum hit back with “If you sue the HOA, the last time someone did that they tripled the dues and people lost their homes, the people you want to protect will lose their homes, you can't do that.” She's not wrong, but if nobody does it this just goes on. If I do nothing I'm complicit. I'm part of the problem.
I hate it. I hate being powerless. I hate feeling like this. I hate it, ahte it hate it hate it. . . .Why can't. . .why can't things just be okay? Everyone said things get better man and I'm in my 30s and yet another economic clusterfrick wiped me out and I'm starting over entirely, yet again, but this time trapped in the 1990s.
I spent my life savings to move here and I'm trapped.
Texas is back lads and lasses – and it's coming for us. Or I'm just dealing with a few “bad apples” with no idea who isn't one of them and my world is narrowing into a pit of despair and paranoia.