Not long ago, I lost my job for choosing to take time off for something very important to me, despite a months' notice and repeated reminders. Company handled it in the least professional way possible. Oh well, at least I still had my 2nd job (first didnt pay me enough to live) who kindly allowed me to increase and choose my own hours. Itll work as a crutch while I figure my life out.
The good news is, losing that job freed up my afternoons. Right now, I am sitting on a rocky beach, a good walk away from all the foot traffic. Its quiet, I cant hear the sound of cars- just the waves hitting the sand and the occasional call of a seagull. Very few people come out this far. I took a nap, propped up against driftwood. Stacked some rocks. Watched the clouds. Saw some ants, collected a couple feathers, called a friend to catch up.
This feels very right. Instinctually. I am fed, I have no worries (currently) about shelter or predators. Laying here, listening to the ocean, relaxed and sleepy, closing my eyes- this is what existence is about. How the hell did we manage to create the opposite of whatever this is? Why the hell do I subscribe to working 40-60 hours a week to not be able to afford an apartment on my own (4 of us in a 2 bedroom), that functions only as a place to store my stuff and crash at night?
Everybody my age that I know is depressed and anxious to some degree. This society is crushing and miserable. None of us asked for this. We should be somewhere carving spears on a sunny boulder, overlooking our home. We should be collecting materials to weave baskets and nets. Telling stories. Climbing trees. Nurturing the land, planting fruit trees for those who come after us to enjoy.
Then reality hits me and I remember that Im broke, in debt, unable to afford next month's rent, driving a car I need to work because public transit isnt well funded. My parents are selling my childhood home, because even with their decently well paying jobs, they cant afford the maintaince anymore if they want to retire somewhere someday. Im almost 27, and I never seem to achieve any goals I set for myself. Good career job? Nope. Enough money to afford a modest 2 bedroom with my girlfriend? No. No debt? Yes debt. Take some classes to get better work? Two jobs, no time. Okay at least start that artistic passion project you've been wanting to do for years? No energy.
I dont want to blame all my problems on other people or forces outside my control. I guess I just made myself sad with the realization at how fleeting this soft quiet moment is, how I need to stand up now and go budget for food without putting myself in any deeper holes, and how wrong it feels to say that.
Sun's behind a cloud now. Wind is picking up. Time to return to the land of capitalism. To those of you who read, thanks for hearing me out, yalls here really helped me put my life into perspective this summer.