This was yesterday and I wanted to share.
I have a dog. She poops in my yard every damn day. There must've been 100 turds out there and I knew better than to get near them because of the dangers of e-coli. So I did what anyone would do and I hired a pooper scooper to scoop the poop out my yard.
That's a hell of a job for anyone, let alone a teen.
My buddy said this teen has scooped shit out of his yard multiple times and that she does a remarkable job every time, so I figured I would give her a shot.
Sure enough, about an hour later and my yard was shitless. Just immaculate. Needless to say I was elated, but that feeling was quickly shot down by one of annoyance. Now I had to pay her. Frankly I had no idea what to pay her so I did what any reasonable person would. I googled how many e-coli can live on an average dog turd (3 billion) and multiplied it by the number of turds scooped (around 100) and then multiplied it again by the value of the average human life, since any single e-coli could multiply and kill me (10 million), which equaled 3 quintillion dollars.
So I went to my sock drawer and counted out 3 quintillion dollars and handed it to her. The look on her face was priceless. She turned bright right and said “holy shit… I'm sorry for swearing… but holy shit…”
I asked her what she was expecting. She said “my mom and I didn't know what to think. We figured maybe $20 bucks”
I looked her dead in the eye and said “listen. scooping shit matters to adults – so never think it doesn't. the shit was pooped, scooped, and katooted. That's more than I expected. I figured 30 quadrillion dollars per turd. So in my opinion I got a bargain. Don't ever sell yourself short, kid, because you are L'Oreal worth it.
She said “ok weirdo” and started loading the money into a barge.
I told my friends about it today and they said “wow… more than I'd thought… but ya.. sounds right.”
TL;DR: Paid a pooper scooper $3 quintillion dollars for scooping shit for an hour, may have disrupted the global economy.