I (30/F) started a new job this year and for the first time ever I actually love the office culture. I really like my coworkers despite me being on the shyer side, and not in like a “workplace cult-y” way. It just seems like a healthy workplace and after having a really bad work experience, it's so refreshing (even if I'm still preemptively hoping it doesn't all fall apart).
I genuinely thought the role was a great match for me and I'm deeply passionate about the work I do. However there is a skills gap and I think some anxiety, and potentially inattentive ADHD involved (I got a diagnosis this year but it was so easy to get and I'm kind of convinced that it's just symptoms of late capitalism but I digress). I feel like the actual work I produce is shit.
I don't get much feedback other than corrections on work I do and it feels like this happens every day. I fuck up a lot. Quite frankly it's ruining my self-esteem which makes me screw up more, I think.
I'm deeply afraid of asking for honest feedback – it's one of those things where it's like, “i know I suck but I don't want to have that confirmed by my boss.”
I've always been fearful about getting fired from a job and frankly I think I've underperformed in every job I've had (this is my fifth job in my career and I've yet to get fired from one).
But I come to work everyday cordial, enthusiastic, dressing really well, and engaging with my coworkers. I do feel valued by the rest of the team – who I don't directly work with.
I'm not entirely sure of what my question is but I guess I'd ask: is fitting into workplace culture more important than performance? At what point will sucking in my position outweigh being a valued member of the organization?