For context I struggle with anxiety, depression, undiagnosed autism, and some other health concerns I'll likely never get diagnosed.
This time, I tried being a Leasing Agent. Only 20hrs a week at $14/hr with zero benefits.
Dealing with some of the residents [and potential future residents] straight up makes me want to die.
Some people are straight up fucking stupid. Like the guy who sprayed my coworker and I with a f9re extinguisher. That felt real nice in all the little cuts on my hands, and in my lungs.
Or the woman whose porch was literally wall-to-wall covered in jurassic sized dog shit, and piss.
Or the other handful of people screaming in my ear over the phone. Which triggers a very specific kind of PTSD where I would rather McDie than be trapped on the phone, unable to defend myself.
For the math, I make about $1,600/month. Bills knock out about a quarter of that, leaving me with absolutely nothing for rent if I ever wanted to move out of my in-laws. Which I am desperate for my own space. I'm tired of living my entire life in a corner, and if I'm still stuck here after thirty, I swear…
The point is, I'm quitting another job to look for another. And I can't afford it. But if I'm stuck there during the busy season I won't live through it. I won't.
I won't qualify for unemployment because one of my last jobs fucked me over during covid.
I can't qualify for medicaid. Reason unknown, but I've been feeling so hopeless I didn't bother trying again.
My fucking bones hurt, I can't drink alcohol without my whole body acting like it's been poisoned, I'm emotionally fucked to the point I just can't deal with the public anymore.
I just want to be able to fuck off into the woods with wifi, and feel like I WANT to be alive for once.
I don't know what to do.
I'm not looking for advice. I doubt anything can help me at this point. I'm desperately trying to start up a YouTube channel even though it makes me feel stupid and I think I'm utter fucking garbage.
I want to die, but I also want to LIVE.
This world has made it where you have no choice but to play it's stupid fucking game.
I want to write, but it's killed so much of creativity. I feel like unless I can make a full living [even a part-time wage] off of it, there's no point at all. It puts this ridiculous weight on every single word I shit out and now I don't have a chapter to my name because I've deleted everything.
Now my bones ache, especially my hands, and I fear I'll never be able to do anything.
I'm sorry for the rant. This subreddit is the only place where I feel like I'm not just a broken pathetic excuse of a human being.