TW: self-harm and suicidal ideation
I’ve been trying to job hunt while still working full-time, but my spirit is so deeply crushed at this point. I barely have the will to live, much less anything else.
I’ve been hanging on due to a need to maintain my insurance (I’m on some expensive and necessary medications), but after resorting to self-harm to get through the work day it finally hit me I can’t live like this any longer. I don’t care that I don’t have a backup plan. Whenever I do start dipping my toes in the water there are countless opportunities that arise, but I can’t put any time to updating my resume etc. because the minute I metaphorically clock out of work I deflate and almost become catatonic.
I am planning on resigning. I want to do it tomorrow. I decided last night, but after the euphoria wore off I became so depressed I’ve been unable to move. I only just got up to feed myself because I got up to go to the bathroom and I forced myself to get food in my system.
I’m now wondering if I’m missing an opportunity to apply for short-term disability. I’m also pretty fearful of my state of mind. I don’t typically feel like I’ll do anything permanently harmful to my wellbeing, but when this happens I heavily dissociate and lose touch with reality.
All that for a stupid job. I know I should put in my two weeks, but part of me can’t think clearly and I can’t bear one more moment working for them.
I had two family emergencies in a row recently, but kept up with work fairly well and communicated throughout. I was told everyone has hard things going on in their lives and they implied I’m always going to have more and more shitty things that will prevent me from living up to their standards. Something about that was the last straw for me. Seeing a family member in a hospital bed, looking half dead, is enough to really help redefine priorities.
It’s the fucking stupidest, most hypocritical company. They produce something that’s supposed to help Christians, but I’ve met more Christ-like people in the YouTube comments section than these soul-suckers.