The details are VERY important to understanding this post, please read through to the third paragraph.
I want to leave the rat race, work part-time online, see all the beautiful nature this country has to offer in my van, and live like a human being is actually supposed to live; Free. However, the feeling of losing my good name and being judged and hated again is so punishing that it's currently keeping me from taking the plunge. I'm not resigned to accepting this feeling. I'm determined to get over it and I just need a little help, that's why I came here.
You have to understand, I clawed my way out of an abusive childhood with absolute scum of the earth as family. Literal horrible criminals, not only a den abusive drug addicts (mother and evil adult step siblings included) but people that have actually gotten 2 children killed through drug abuse and neglect. *Details added at the end if you're curious.
It took an incredible amount of hardship and effort to get away from it and I had to do it all up against incredibly hateful bullying and unfair treatment from both kids and ADULTS (in the south, you know how it is here with judgement and gossip.) So, I've had to work hard to get away from all those people and cultivate a good reputation. Ever since then I had to be so careful to show everyone that I was a good and “decent” person so that they would accept me. So I could get a job and afford to eat and live. I've been fortunate to have success with talk therapy and have the help of a couple amazing close friends, so I've truly moved past and healed from almost all of the horrors of that past. One of the only things left is that after all that punishment and struggle over my [family's] reputation, the idea of having people think I'm a “bum” or a “loser” without a full-time “real” job is genuinely scary to imagine. It's just associated with so much suffering that it feels impossible. That's why I came here. Even though other people may not have this trauma associated with it (and I'm sure others have far more,) I think a lot of people relate to this feeling. Mine is just so deeply rooted that there's only so far I can get with having rational discussions with myself about it. I think I need to hear about it from other people who aren't close friends. If there is any sub that can help me shed this feeling and quit wasting my life in the rat race, it's here.
Please give me your advice, whatever it is, and I will be grateful for it.
*Some details of the earlier mention if you're curious: Cops were involved but they both got away with it, one ruled an accident (was super messed up after partying with pills and booze and fell asleep on the baby on the couch, killing her) and one ruled a sids death even though the detective told me they knew [and I knew it too based on the facts I learned from her afterwards] it was drug withdrawal (she was doing a lot of narcotics while breast feeding, which I know for a fact that she knew before hand that that could kill her baby,) but since the nature of withdrawals is that the drugs have left the body meant that there was no solid evidence to support pressing charges, even though she acknowledged that she was breast feeding and tested positive for 7 substances, there were clear signs of intestinal stuff in the baby from the narcotics, and the timeline of when she switched the baby to formula exactly matched how long it takes to die from withdrawals. A horrible, painful death, committed intentionally and gotten away with Scott free.
Being associated with a den of monsters, especially when you are actually a kind hearted person who has always done your best, lives a clean life with no drugs, and just wants to live happily and be good to other people, is an unbearable torture, almost worse than the actual abuse I suffered. So in summary, that's why I'm still trying to get over this fear of getting a bad reputation.
If you will, please help me tear out this root of fear and stop letting it keep me from living the way I think we should all be free to live. Or if you think it's a really bad idea you can tell me that too, I'm open to all your advice.