Preamble: A few years ago, I was working as a contract application developer for a micromanaging tyrant. He used to say some of the most outlandish shit that I would memorialize to Facebook as a kind of therapy for my friends to laugh / be shocked at. They've been coming up in my FB memories and I thought this community would enjoy a good laugh. (I was posting them as they were coming up, but I got docked for spamming the channel… so here's a whole month's worth for you to enjoy.
This was the last month before I quit. I had already given notice. If the community enjoys this, I'll compile other months and post them.
Nov 1
Boss: We’ve got 13 ten-hour work days remaining… I want to talk to you about this great thing you did since you’ve been here.
Me: Okay.
Boss: I love how this one small subsystem works. It’s feature rich. It’s consistent. It’s a great user experience. How can we adapt that kind of modularity for other subsystems used throughout the site?
Me: Which one?
Boss: All of them.
Me: Wait… you want to refactor all 200 subsystems in the application?
Boss: Yes.
Me: It took us about 40 hours to build that one properly… how do you expect to refactor the other 200 in 130 hours?
Boss: Well… it may take us longer than the time you have left, but you can still work after you leave here, right?
Me: What?
Boss: Just because you're quitting doesn't mean you can't work for me, right?
Seriously. I can't make this shit up.
Nov 2
This one is literally WORD for WORD.
Boss: We've got double class attributes on this tag… should I just combine the two classes?
Me: Yes, that seems reasonable.
[We work on it and find out the second class isn't actually doing anything, so it would be better to simply remove it.]
Boss: Okay. Since the first answer you gave me was wrong, I want to learn how to analyze these better in the future.
Me: Well, I would contend that I wasn't “wrong” per se… I gave an answer based on the available information. My answer changed when I had more information and context.
Boss: I never said you were wrong.
Me: But… You literally just said “since the first answer you gave me was wrong…”
Boss: I need you to not be so defensive. If I wanted to call something wrong, I'd point out that this is some of the worst coding I've seen out of you.
Me: Um… I didn't build this. You did.
Boss: I guess it's okay then.
Nov 7
I tried a different tack yesterday. I used time tracking software to analyze three hours of our work after he gave me a project we estimated to take three hours. Here's the results in pie chart form.
After 3 hours:
Boss: Okay. Where are you at with that task?
Me: I need at least another two and a half hours.
Boss: What? I thought we agreed this was a three hour task?
[I show him the graph]
Boss: …Do not… under any circumstances, ambush me with this kind of bullshit again.
Me: But you don't seem to understand how much you interrupt me, while expecting it not to affect how long it takes to get things done.
Boss: So tell me that nicely. I don't need charts and fucking diagrams.
Nov 9
(Clearly I'm becoming more brazen.)
Boss: So, you went to lunch with (your wife) on Wednesday and were gone for an hour, and you went to the post office yesterday and that took an hour… how do you intend to make up those two hours?
Me: Let's take a half hour from the time I spent on my day off explaining to your wife how Stripe works. You kept me after 6 pm several days this week to discuss projects… that covers another half hour. The second hour will happen tonight during our server maintenance window.
Boss: But those don't count…
Me: If you're going to nickel-and-dime my time, I'm going to nickel-and-dime yours. To that end, let's discuss how you want me to invoice you for the 18 hours of overtime I'm leaving on the table when I am done at the end of the month.
Boss: …
Me: Or we can not worry about a few minutes here or there.
Boss: I'm ready to move on to another conversation.
Nov 14
Boss: [describes a project with no budget and a limited deadline that will be impossible to hit]
Me: So you're taking on the Kobayashi Maru?
Boss: The fuckin' what when?
Me: [Takes fifteen minutes to explain in detail how the Kobayashi Maru is Starfleet's character test for cadets in a no-win scenario and how James T Kirk was the only one to ever beat the test, but only by cheating; including the multiple timelines in which it happened.]
Boss: I'm going to need you to work an extra fifteen minutes to compensate me for wasting those fifteen minutes of my life I'm never getting back.
Me: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… No.
(This was actually a playful exchange and we were laughing during it… but it's still SMBS worthy because I think if I'd said “okay, I'll work late” he would have taken it.)
Nov 18
To be fair… I think this all the time, I just don't say it.
Boss: “How are you?”
Me: “Meh… okay?”
Boss: “I was just being nice. I don't really care.”
Nov 21 (1)
I’m sure every married couple goes through times when their significant other isn’t listening as closely as they could be. My wife accuses me of selective hearing all the time, and she’s not wrong. But I’ve never seen this communicated in such an insulting and condescending way.
[20 minutes ago]
Boss’s Wife: I’m going to run to the store and return some things and then come back and we’ll have lunch.
Boss: Ok. (This part is important… I HEARD him say ok.)
[Just now]
Wife: Ok. I’m going to go.
Boss: Where are you going?
Wife: I just told you?
Boss: Was I listening? Did I respond?
Wife: You acknowledged…
Boss: No, I didn’t. Don’t assume what I know if I didn’t acknowledge what you said. It’s your responsibility to make sure I’m listening to you when you tell me something.
[Let that sink in. He wasn’t listening. It’s her fault.]
Boss: Now where are you going?
Wife: I’m going to run to the store and return some things and then come back and we’ll have lunch.
Boss: Okay. I’ll see you back here for lunch.
[She turns to leave]
Boss: Did you hear me acknowledge it that time? See how that works?
Complete. Douche.
Nov 21 (2)
Boss: Are you going to deliver me the documentation on [extremely complicated application I built] before or after you leave on Saturday?
Me: Documentation? [followed by stunned silence… I’ve never been granted time in his “every-task-needs-to-take-no-more-then-15-minutes” culture to document anything let alone something I’ve worked on for more than a year.]
Boss: You didn’t think I was going to invest six figures and pay your salary for the last year without some way to be able to continue development once you’re gone, right? I’m going to need documentation.
Me: Ok… I can flesh it out now. I have notes, but nothing I’d consider real “documentation” that another developer would be able to follow.
Boss: Great. Now let’s work on [other major project he wants done before I leave].
Me: …um, didn’t you just say you wanted documentation on this?
Boss: I do… just deliver it whenever it’s done. Doesn’t have to be this week.
Me: But my last day is Saturday?
Boss: Look, I already paid you to create this application. I shouldn’t have to pay someone else to learn it from scratch when you can provide documentation on how it works.
Guess who’s not getting his documentation.
Nov 23
Yesterday was my last day in the office. Today is my last day working for this demon.
Boss: It's a sad day for my business… Today we're at the pinnacle of knowing how the application works and is built and I feel like a big chunk of that knowledge is walking out the door.
Me: That's because it is.
[He LITERALLY starts crying a little]
Boss: I wish I could have given you more of what you were looking for here. I wish the company was in a financial position to give you what you needed.
Me: Nothing I was looking for costs money… and the job I'm moving to is mostly the same situation; same pay, contract, no benefits, etc.
Boss: Well… then I wish the work was more fulfilling.
Me: It wasn't the work.
Boss: Then I guess I don't understand why you're leaving.
I don't know how many more ways I could have said “It's YOU, dickhead” without coming straight out and saying it. Maybe I should have. But it's done now. So I will now return to my regularly scheduled program of stupid memes and cat pics.