Let me start by telling you this is basically my own fault. I never got my college degree because I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. Worked a series of jobs my whole life – a few good, most of them shitty. I’ve worked retail, customer service, been the manager of a couple movie theaters, you name it. Nowadays I work in the mortgage industry as an appraisal assignment coordinator. It’s dull, tedious, and unfulfilling work and the place is run like a sweatshop with a skeleton crew.
I’m a remote employee. I live 2000 miles away from my office and have never seen the faces of my supervisor or manager, despite working there just over a year now. I’ve also been dealing with some health issues lately. Frequent headaches, stomachaches, high blood pressure, and so on. It’s a high stress job with a ticking clock, where work is always coming in and you’re expected to keep up with it or you’re called out and criticized for slowness. It’s been grinding on me and is probably the cause for at least some of my health issues.
Yesterday I sent an email to my higher-ups, telling them about my health issues and concerns. I told them that I really needed to get into the doctor for a few different reasons and that the pressure of the job has been affecting my health and well-being. I asked if they might consider making me a “floater” who helps out where needed throughout the department, i.e. jumping in to assist others who are behind and need help catching up. I did this for my first two months at the job and it’s a position that is super helpful to the rest of the team. And because I wouldn’t have a dedicated ‘queue’ of orders, it would make it easier for everyone when I need to be out for appointments, etc.
I also asked if they might be able to give me some feedback on how I’ve been doing. I’ve never received any kind of review in the 14 months I’ve worked here. And I have never – and I mean NEVER, not once – been told that I did a good job on anything. No “good job on that one order,” no “we appreciate how you handled ____,” no “way to go.” Nothing. So it’s the kind of job where it’s a good day if you didn’t get yelled at. At least that means they couldn’t find anything to yell at you for. And then there are the days where you make a little mistake somewhere. They have no problem reaching out to me then…
I received a perfunctory email back from my manager saying they had no use for another floater and they need me to just do my job. He said that if I needed to take time off for appointments, then I can clock in early, work late, and skip lunch on those days to make up the time I missed. I was told they don’t do this for everyone but they’d make an exception for me as a “favor”. He also said that I would be getting a review “pretty soon” but that if I really wanted to know what they thought of my performance, then my holiday bonus was a good indicator. I got 300 bucks for a holiday bonus. Out of a possible 300? 500? 1000? Who the fuck knows? Nobody ever told me. So instead of saying “You’re doing fine, man. Keep it up,” I get a dismissive, corporate non-answer.
Oh, I forgot to mention that today I am dealing with day #5 of a strep throat infection. I’ve not been allowed to take any time off. The department ‘policy’ is that, if anyone else is off on a certain day, nobody else can be out. No exceptions. There is one person from the office out every day for the next two weeks. So I’m not allowed to call in sick. On top of that, if anyone else is out, we are all expected to take two-hour blocks out of our day to go help handle that person’s workload, which just leaves us further behind on our own. This is how short-staffed we are: if ONE person is gone, the entire department has to upend their day to cover for them. But upper management has no plans to hire right now, because hiring cuts into profit.
So right now I’m preparing to get ready for work for 9 hours, even though I can barely function well enough to write this post. I’m 44 years old, told by my 30yo supervisor that I need to suck it up and work through sicknesses, treated like a child if I make a mistake on an order or fall behind for whatever reason. I’ve worked in the industry for years but if i dropped dead tomorrow, they’d just find another monkey off the streets to plug into my spot. A few weeks of training and things would go on like I was never there. Speaking of dropping dead, I’m fairly certain I will probably die working at my desk one day and my daughter will come home from school and be the one who finds me sprawled out on the floor. With angry messages from Microsoft Teams on my computer from my boss asking why my orders are piling up.
I can’t quit because we need the money. There’s no point in finding another job because mortgage companies are all the same. They do not give a fuck about you, so going through the trouble of interviewing with another company will just mean I move from one company who doesn’t care to another company who doesn’t care. So my only options are to just deal with it and be miserable or start over again at 44. I’ve been told I’m a good writer and I used to write about movies back in the day. I loved doing it. But it doesn’t pay and my job drains me of energy and enthusiasm anyway. What I want to do doesn’t pay the bills so it’s just a pipe dream at this point.
I know this is super long and probably nobody will read this. I’m just screaming into the void. But if you are reading this – stay in school, kids. Find something you love and work for it. Figure out your dream job and go get it. Working at a job you hate for people who treat you like dirt will kill you, little by little. Take it from me.