I get told by employers ”hey no one is perfect. We all make mistakes.” But it is starting to feel like that counts for everyone but me. I try SO hard to make sure all my t’s are crossed and i’s are dotted. I try not to ask for coworker’s help unless I absolutely have to because I know they’re busy too. Even though I am an introvert I try to make sure I am being approachable and keep things balanced. I may not want to be involved in random office chit chat, I may keep to myself most of the day. But I am sure to smile and say “good morning” to everyone and “enjoy your evening, drive safe” in the evening when everyone goes home. I am friendly with customers and have even been told I am good with people on the phone. I am careful to not irritate anyone I work with. I try not to complain. I try to make sure I have good work ethic. Some days are better than others but my #1 goal each day is to do better than the last. I even check in with my boss and colleagues to ask how I am doing. Is there anything I could improve? Please tell me. All I am told is I am doing just fine. And, as I look at how everyone else is working (making plenty of mistakes, spending company time gossiping, going to out to smoke every hour, socializing and letting incoming calls go to voicemail, taking advantage of boss’s leniency) I am rest assured I can’t be doing that bad if they can get away with all that. Not that I care they do all that. I don’t. But how can I get in trouble for making small, honest, mistakes here and there if they can get away with all that? That’s where I am WRONG.
I end up being the person that is ALWAYS getting pulled into my boss’s office to have that conversation. You know the one? Where he/she asks if you’ll come in and then has you shut the door when you enter? Even though just a couple weeks ago you were doing fine. No one has said anything negative to your face about your performance. You‘ve been doing your best. Heck, even trying to pick up everyone else’s slack. It’s gone unnoticed, but at least you know you’ve been doing the best you can. No one has complained. Now, all of a sudden, you’re being asked to come in for a private conversation? Suddenly you’re being told everything you have been doing wrong all this time. And “maybe this isn’t going to work out after all.”
Where was all this information when I specifically asked a couple weeks ago how I was doing? You all said I was doing “just fine!” Why didn’t any of you say anything to me when I specifically told you tell me if ever there is something I can improve on? I know I haven’t been perfect. I know that I slip up. I make mistakes. Just like everyone else. I get overwhelmed, I get stressed. And now I don’t know where I stand because no one will TELL ME! So, the only thing I can do is my best. But there is more than one definition of ”best” when you’re dealing with more than one person in a workspace. There is my definition of my “best” for me. Which is knowing what I need to do and making sure I do it right and in a timely manner. But how am I supposed to know what “best” everyone else wants from me if they NEVER tell me, until it’s too late? Why do I always find out too late that I was apparently not doing “just fine!”? Especially when I ask, on more than one occasion, “how am I doing?” or say “let me know if I can improve on anything.” I even told my current coworkers and boss to “please let me know if there is anything I can improve on that I may have missed.” And I get ”oh, no. You’re fine. You’ve been a great help.”
Well the “great help” just got pulled into her boss’s office to be told to “spend the rest of this week looking for a new job. We like you as a person but you haven’t done this, this, or that correctly. And we just don’t think this is a good fit.” Things I had NO IDEA I was doing wrong. I had NO indication from anyone that some things I was doing needed a little TLC. This is the third time this has happened to me now. It’s getting more and more difficult to work like this. I feel paranoid. Even when I get a new job, is the same thing going to happen again? Then that job after that? And what’s worse is I see my colleagues getting away with everything! Not calling certain clients back because they “don’t feel like it.” Even flat-out ignoring phone calls. Meanwhile my job gets threatened because I apparently forgot to cross a couple t’s. I.e. a few clients had to wait a little bit longer for a call back from me. Or I “spend too long with clients chatting on the phone.” ”Not being very good at sales” even though I wasn’t even hired for sales and I even disclosed at the interview “I am not good at sales!“ And was told it was fine, I am going to be service anyway. All things that don’t make me a bad employee (they emphasize this) they just make me “not the right fit.” I am very transparent about who I am during an interview. If I wasn’t a good fit, why did you hire me? Why am I “not a good fit” everywhere I work anymore? Just because I’m not a social butterfly? Because I make mistakes?
It’s breaking me apart and it makes me want to give up all together, but of course I don’t have that luxury because I kind of need a job. The more this happens the less faith I have in myself though. Why doesn’t anyone want to tell me what I can do better until it is time to let me go? Why does it feel like everyone around me can get away with being mediocre employees but the better I try to be, the better ethic I try to have, gets me losing my job? I don’t get this…
I also think I am misunderstood because I keep getting hired in places where I am the only introvert among type A extroverts. Which I don’t get what’s so hard to understand. Everyone is different. And I actually tell potential employers in the very beginning that I am an introvert. They hire me anyway. I tell my coworkers as well. So they hopefully won’t take it too personal if I am not as social with them as they are with each other. And guess what happens? They take it personal. They “say” they “don’t”. But I know better. I hear the whispers.