Cognitive issues
Visual/Audible issues;
Difficulty with numbers audibly;
I cannot remember information long enough to write it down, so if I'm given a phone number, I always have to write it down immediately. Then I could use my written note to add to my phone. The problem is, even if I write it as I’m hearing it, I write down the wrong number about half of the time. It’s as if my brain is not just unable to remember multiple digits long enough to write them down. It seems that my brain isn't correctly processing the digits I am hearing, because at least half of the numbers people tell me, when I try calling, it's the wrong number.
Difficulty with numbers visually;
This also happens when I read a number. I have long struggled writing down numbers I am reading, such as a bank account number, because just switching my gaze from the screen to my phone or a pad to write it, I can’t remember the 2 or 3 numbers at a time I am trying to write down. To combat this, I tried writing the numbers without looking at my pen hand, this is when I realized that it may be a processing problem as well as a memory issue because about half of the time, the numbers I write aren't even the numbers I am reading.
Inaccurate, confusing reading;
Regularly while reading any document more than a couple sentences, I don’t hear in my mind what is actually written. I get confused and paranoid thinking people are messing with me because over half of the time, more when stressed or distressed, I feel people are sending me nonsense emails. I discovered this by routinely waiting hours or until the next morning to respond to an email that upset or confused me. I found out by doing this, that if I was totally calm and rested, such as early in the morning, on my review of the email in question, it was in fact clear, concise and had no underlining aggression or sarcasm etc
Inaccurate typing;
When typing, I have to re-read and edit my documents many times. A small email may take me 1 or more hours because I don’t type the words in my mind. I miss a lot of words from my sentences, I also write random nonsensical words that I certainly didn’t plan on typing.
Visual aphasia;
Wrong words;
For over a year, I have been mostly communicating through text. This is because in a text, I can increase the font size without having to pan around the information like I have to in an email or web page on my phone, I also almost always respond through voice memo rather than typing. This is because for the last year or so, perhaps more, If I try to read a large document, or anything over a small paragraph, I seem to read random words from around the page, rather than the sentence I think I’m reading. This makes reading, filling out forms etc, very confusing and mentally exhausting. I cannot immediately respond in my emotional state, but, I often forget to go back to the emails and respond if I forget to mark as unread. If I do respond immediately in this state, I risk coming across as aggressive, or intelligent. A real problem for someone in authority, selling, reassuring people etc.
Unable to read;
Often while reading, especially if upset or tired or stressed etc, I come across words I can’t read. It’s not exactly that I can't phonetically read the word itself, I can’t even recognize the letters, they are just shapes or symbols. This usually passes within a few minutes, unless I’m in a stressful or combative situation, then it gets worse.
Ocular migraines;
During these migraines, I don’t have a headache, but I can’t see text. Instead of letters, I see hundreds or thousands of spikes coming towards my eyes. Similar to those pin impression toys that you push your hand or face into and it makes a 3d image, except the pins go right up to my eyes so I can’t make out what image they are making. It seems so real that I move my head around to try to get a better angle but they follow my eyes. If I wear strong readers or use a magnifying glass, I can make out a few words, or a phone number, but it is exhausting and ironically gives me headaches making the migraines no longer pain free, but debilitating. This has happened for about 8 years.
Involuntary word substitution;
Whether or not I am stressed or seem to be having a visual episode, I more than half of the time use the wrong Homonym. I know the right word to use, I am an Englishman, I believe I am typing right, but I actually type write. This has been a real problem the past 1 or 2 years. Before that, it happened once in a while and wasn’t a big deal, but it now happens constantly. I’ll even be typing a number, using the number keys on the keyboard, but when I proofread, I will have typed something like; 67too9. I did not deliberately switch from numbers to words, and certainly would not knowingly use a homonym inappropriately.
Ram problem, not so much hard drive;
I have a large amount of knowledge and memories, I just can almost never voluntarily access it. If asked about almost any project I am working on, I almost always have no idea what the other people are talking about without a visual cue to help me recall the information. For the past couple years, I have been storing hundreds of thousands of pictures on my work computer organized by address. If someone called me or texted me about a project, I could not respond until I saw the pictures. For this reason, I have been going into work at 5:30 am to review pictures and texts etc so that when the rest of the world starts work and needs me, I wouldn’t seem like a complete idiot. I also sent out voice memos early so that anything important, or time sensitive is done because once people show up to the office, from that point on, I will be spending most of the day trying to find a way of jogging my memory so I could actually respond usefully to my colleagues. At the office, I am inundated with colleagues needing me, or phone calls or texts, , which is very stressful and exhausting for me and I found it extremely difficult to portray a calm, happy demeanor. Impossible often.
Memory conflation;
At all times, there are several properties that I conflate. If someone is asking me about a certain property, I am convinced they are talking about a different property. This is a permanent conflation, in that, once this happens in my mind, I now mix up those 2 specific properties indefinitely. There are properties I have m mixed up for 8 years. They don’t sound the same, they may have different owners, be different sizes, even be in different cities, but once this happens, it never goes away. This is very embarrassing or exhaustingly frustrating because to avoid answering totally incorrectly or embarrassingly calling an owner about a property he STILL doesn't own, I have to double check absolutely every answer I am about to give. This is remarkably inefficient timewise, but also makes people wonder why I can’t just answer their question on properties I’ve known intimately for years.
Difficulty remembering (owning);
I can not implement the insights I gain from my experiences, because I forget most of the moments of clarity or even epiphanies I have about my issues. If I realize I need to follow a new procedure to avoid stress or humiliation, it takes months of said stress or humiliation for me to own that information. I have often used my phone's calendar to remind me daily of certain things and have even resorted to tattooing hints on my forearm to hopefully remind me if I’m about to fail to follow my new procedure.
Difficulty multitasking;
I cannot follow multiple trains of thought without either mixing them together, or shutting down mentally and being unable to follow anything at all. If I am working on an issue, and I am interrupted, I cannot follow both without confusion, and if I’m stressed or emotional, I cannot ignore the interruption and focus on my current issue, I lose track of both and get confused and flustered. Often emotional and paranoid. This increases the severity of my other cognitive issues.
Difficulty with names;
I struggle to remember names of clients, tenants, even after knowing the person for an extended period of time. This causes a lot of stress because I am afraid of offending a person I've known for years by getting their name wrong. This stress makes my other cognitive issues worse which often makes me panic or become paranoid.
No sense of direction;
This has been an issue since the day after m y accident, and has never improved. I can't find my way to or from work, or any place without my GPS. No matter how many times I’ve been there, even routes I’ve driven daily for years, I cannot get there without my GPS. This problem has been getting worse because now, I am sure I hear it tell me to turn right, but when I do, it has to redirect me because it actually said left. And vice versa, This happens so regularly that I have to leave at least 30 minutes early for any appointment because I almost certainly get lost a few times on the way. This miss hearing or incorrectly processing what I’m hearing has been getting progressively worse for a couple of years. Incidentally, if the trip is more than 10 or 15 minutes, or I take a call on the way, I almost never know why I am there once I arrive and have to check my calendar/texts to figure it out so I don’t appear stupid when I knock on the door.
Misreading motives and emotions;
Often, when discussing something important, or stressful, or multiple subjects simultaneously, I start to panic about appearing slow or intelligent, or even disinterested or apathetic, so in response, I start to believe I am being attacked or insulted. My behavior reflects this and I can appear combative as I try to defend myself from perceived or exaggerated malice. This happens with written communication too. I often have a very strong initial reaction that takes all of my self control to ignore long enough to ascertain whether or not my instincts are accurate. The more stressed, confused, tired I am, the harder it is for me to keep a poker face and collect more information, so I often either over react, or avoid that person, mistakenly thinking they are out to get me or blame me for something I had nothing to do with.
Inaccurate sense of time;
I often have a very clear memory of an event, or an action I have taken, I therefore believe that this memory is recent. For example, I may very clearly remember putting my gray T shirts in a certain drawer. When they aren't there, I assume they must have been moved and hidden. This is emotionally distressing because although I know that my Fiancé wouldn't hide my socks, I can’t logically think of another explanation. In reality, that memory was from a week or a month ago, and I put my socks in the wrong drawer more recently without remembering doing that. This realization hits very hard and is even more upsetting than my misconception because it makes me feel like I’m too intelligent or damaged to function like a normal person.
Lost time;
I am often shocked by the time because I have no recollection of several hours so it really does feel to me like I have lost time. If I calmly think about my day, it usually comes back, but it is very distressing when it happens and if I happen to need to respond to someone, or complete a task while this is happening, my cognitive issues are compounded making it difficult or impossible.
Spreadsheets;
I have used and relied on excel and google sheets for many years, excel since the early 2000’s. I have found them increasingly difficult to follow over the last several years. I cannot follow the lines or columns. 5 or so years ago, I started to format the alternating colors or with borders etc and that helped a lot, but for the past couple years it has become increasingly difficult to read along a line, or up and down a column. I actually read random data from other parts of the page, similar to documents.
Generally poor, unreliable memory;
Since my accident 17 years ago, I have had a very poor memory. I regularly don’t know what people are talking about. I used to get upset and feel people were wrong, or even lying to me. It took a long time, but now when I don’t remember something, I can usually stay calm, spend 15 or so minutes wracking my brain, replaying the memories I do have access to until it comes back to me. This is tiring, and very frustrating if unsuccessful. It's also not feasible to spend half of my work day fighting to recall basic events and instructions, tasks etc.
I don’t remember much of my life before my accident, including my childhood. Once in a while, memories will pop back into my mind, but often, they are conflated with another event, or will include the wrong people. It is very confusing when this happens and very emotionally distressing because it feels totally accurate in my mind. Not being able to trust memories and instincts makes so many interactions exhausting and anxious. There are almost no simple, straightforward tasks. This makes my work day very tiring. Almost all tasks seem to take almost all of my available effort.
Mental Exhaustion;
For many years, I have worked from 6am to 3pm in the office, plus 24/7 on call, 7 days a week. I was actually on call 7 days a week for 11 years. I started leaving the office at 3-3:30pm because by about 2pm, I was wiped out emotionally and intellectually. I was just unable to function at a high level after about 6 to 8 hours, so I started leaving to avoid freaking out emotionally. The past few years, this got to the point where I was barely able to function after 3 or 4 hours. My working environment certainly contributed to this because the environment was very toxic and made my emotional and cognitive struggles untenably difficult.
Specific work issues
Impossible, stressful field work;
I was told I didn’t need a company vehicle in November 2021, because I moved further away from work. I was told I would have to buy, register and insure my company car myself to keep it. I did this because in 17 years, it's the only car I can sit in for more than 15 minutes without severe pain. I was then immediately told I needed to inspect work daily and therefore would need the car. The issue with this is that when I received calls, I often had no idea what people were talking about because I could not access my pictures to help me recall. I request a computer with data so that I can access my material and function. My employer would not provide this for me even though they had provided one for 2 other employees without disabilities. This was remarkably emotionally traumatizing because as well as not being able to function, I was also convinced that they were singling me out for some reason and this emotional distress again stopped me from being able to calmly recall the information I needed.
Untenable office work;
Due to my inability to multitask calmly and effectively under the stress of being constantly needed by colleagues while simultaneously attempting to take calls and texts and emails which all require research and multiple other conversations to resolve, I thought working from home part of the time would help me be more effective as I could control how many people I would help simultaneously, one at a time if need be. I was the only member of the office staff in the company who was not allowed to work from home, even though virtually all other employees had worked from home regularly for the entire pandemic. This caused me so much emotional pain, and made me very paranoid and quite frankly, afraid to approach my boss about any of my struggles.