Please forgive any formatting issues, I'm on mobile. Little bit of a rant but could use advice on if I get pulled into a “meeting” again or how to proceed. Teel dear at the bottom.
Trigger warning: Mention of suicidal ideation.
I've been technically working for the government for several months now. I've been talked to multiple times over things I warned them about myself in the hiring process. Things that seem to just be part of who I am no matter how much I try to change. I've already talked to someone about my concerns and how stressed I am due to this. I'm the breadwinner of my family so if I do poorly, I screw over my family as well as myself. I really do feel like I am messing up all over the place and my job security is at risk. I deal with very vulnerable individuals and do my best every day. I've also asked for extra instruction/classes/training with no follow up.
But now I'm very angry. How many of my coworkers have been talking behind my back to leadership? I'm literally trying to do what my bosses have told me to do and be consistent about it. I've asked coworkers to confront me when I slip up and correct me. (If they don't correct me in or immediately after the moment, my brain can't process the concern later and thinks I did just fine.) Only one person has corrected me and I am grateful to them. Each part of the facility is different and has variations of the same rules so it's hard for me to keep track of it all so I ask what sounds like super dumb questions. Good to note that each day I am at a different part of the company with different clients/needs. I need the clarification or else I don't understand and can't perform my job the best I can.
My spouse has told me that the reason they are complaining is because I AM doing my job the way the bosses told me to and the lazy ones don't want the extra work my consistency causes. I've been told what I'm doing wrong but no examples on how to do better and nothing said about the things I've done right. Giving praise as well as censure helps the worker recognize where there's room for improvement and where to focus on, right?
For context, I'm 30 years old, abuse survivor, very sheltered person, and trying to go to therapy for unresolved trauma. Also, I've been doing my best to do more self-care and unwinding time after work. I know I have to keep trying to improve myself if not for me, then for my spouse and child. But all the stuff going on with work has me wanting to get in a serious car wreck after every shift. I'm depressed and suicidal. How do I proceed?
Please don't ask for more specifics, my employer may be on here.
Tl;DR
Work has me about to go over the edge with “complaints” from coworkers when I'm doing what I'm told. It's high stakes and I can't fail or quit. I'm furious over the lack of communication when I thought most of us were working together just fine. Talked to someone I trust but I don't know what's going to happen or how to keep going. How do I proceed?