My first project was to modernize a codebase of about 9000 lines, which had been unmaintained for, I think, 2 years. I implemented every feature request, fixed every bug report, set up tests to make sure things kept working, and refactored the whole codebase to bring it up to current standards. I did this in 9 months with minimal supervision. So… yeah, actually I was kind of a rockstar.

Then came Scrum. Working solo wasn't an option anymore. Work was like trying to drive with the parking brake on. For 4 years. In that time, I can't think of anything I accomplished.

That's when my burnout started.

It wasn't just managers. Actually my first two managers were awesome. But other developers were so insecure, so petty, and there was so much one-upmanship, toxic doesn't begin to describe it. Eventually the company got bought, management changed, and “not good enough” became part of every one-on-one.

It fucking hurt.

By that time, I was working crazy hours–we all were–trying to fulfill mandates that were absolutely impossible with the resources we had. The stress was bad enough I couldn't learn anything. My job suddenly required intimate knowledge of iSCSI, OpenStack, Puppet, and LDAP, zero of which were part of my job description or skillset. “Not good enough” became part of my conversation about myself.

This month is 3 years since I left cPanel. It's just dawned on me today that all this was in my head, and all of it is wrong.

I could go on but I don't think it's healthy for me to dwell here. I just needed to say this.

You are good enough. So am I.

Burnout is not a personal failure. It is insult and it is injury. It is unnecessary. It is preventable.

Thanks for listening. Be well.