I've started a new job a few months ago.
I live in Germany, so we usually have good workers protection, and I can't be fired for no reason.
Except during my six months probation period. And this month is the last month of this period. Next month it's over.
So when on Friday the 2. my mom fell and was brought to the hospital, I didn't dare to ask for a free day to visit her on Monday. I couldn't go at the weekend because she was in the emergency unit and due to Corona restrictions I couldn't visit her and we're living apart, it's a several hour drive so I couldn't just go in the evening, I needed to wait for a free day and her being put on a regular station.
I called her on Sunday and talked to her on the phone, she was weak, but we could talk. And I told her I love her. She asked me if I could come and I promised I would as soon as possible.
I decided to visit her the next weekend.
On Tuesday my sister called me and told me her organs were failing and her situation had got worse. So I told my boss and went down instantly.
I visited her on Wednesday, but I was too late. She couldn't hear me anymore. She was on oxygen, the doctor said, it looked bad. She still had a chance to come around, but it was slim. I held her hand and I want to believe that she pressed it a few times, that she knew I was there. But I can never know for sure.
I stayed with my sister and helped her as good as I could. Her condition had stabilised a little and she could breathe a little better. The doctor informed us that she had a bacterial infection and they didn't know how long she had that, and that her inflammatory levels were too high. He suspected she had a erysipelas in her leg and didn't tell anybody, so eventually the infection had damaged her whole nervous system and that was the reason she fell.
He said, if the antibiotics would work, she would have a chance, but if not, she would die.
Since her condition had stabilised, I decided to go home and back to work, because I didn't want to risk my job for staying away for too long during my probation.
Today, just about half an hour ago, she died.
Fuck this damn job! Fuck this stupid decision! I hate myself for not going to her the second my sister called me the first time. Why the hell didn't I just go?
No I'm sitting here crying. I will never be able to talk to her ever again. I will never be able to tell her jow much I loved her to her face ever again.
All because I was afraid how it would look like at work. Because I didn't want to 'abandon' my customers and coworkers.
And the worst part? When I told my boss today she just said: log off! We'll take care of everything! Don't worry! Come back when you feel better. I guarantee you, we're happy with you, your job will still be there next week, or the week after if neccessary.
No job. Absolutely no job on earth is worth to loose this last chance.
No career on earth can give you back that last chance, that one chance. No amount of money can buy you even one single minute of lifetime. One extra chance with your loved ones. And I would give everything to have that last visit. Everything.
Life is fragile. Death can come at any time, for any reason. Three weeks ago my mom send me pictures of her nails done by herself, she was planning a vacation. We were talking about me visiting soon and going to eat indian curry and how she wanted to spend Christmas.
Today she's just gone. Three weeks. Three damned weeks. We all thought she was healthy. And just a few minutes ago I couldn't believe she would really die
When it's gone it's gone. It's just not worth it.
Do never put you loved ones second after work.