I’ve been thinking of suicide and been thinking about doing it at work.
I’m a teacher. No family, not married, estranged from my parents and siblings. Nobody to leave behind. I have so much on my plate work wise. I am suspicious that an AP program I built up over 8 years is going to be taken away from me. I’m doing an extracurricular class this year, and I’m a glorified pencil pusher. The kids teach it themselves. I have a standard class that for the life of me I can’t inspire those kids to save my life. I tutor tons on the weekend. I’m write items for the exam. I’m lonely, overwhelmed, and have called EAP so many times that I can identify different operators. I’ve got a shrink who prescribes this and that. A well meaning hippy therapist.
I am not a good person, at least I didn’t used to be. When I was younger I said or did things that were crass, rude, ignorant, even sexist and chauvinist, even racist. I grew out of it but it still haunts me. I desperately wish I had a drug or alcohol problem so I could be more interesting, but I’m just an old stupid asshole with no reason to live.
Work is my life. My house isn’t clean anymore. I barely have time for laundry. My health is declining. I just don’t want to die at home though. I just want to die anonymously in my classroom. I am thinking of Christmas Break where everybody’s off and no one finds me before they could get help. Plus, they could get the room clean before school starts back up so the kids wouldn’t see. My classroom is my only comfortable place right now. I was thinking sleeping pills as the way to go.
I am just trapped by work life and nothing to go home to. I’m truly sorry I posted this here but I figured this would be the place to say it. Thanks for your time.