I found myself across the virtual table from HR and my department's director. I knew what was happening. I started desktop recording because they weren't going to use the meeting recording feature. I had my script ready of what I was going to say and told myself no matter what, do not deviate from it.
Lights. Camera. Action!
Hold on, time out. Remember how I said I knew what was happening? It is because I knew exactly what was going to be said and by whom.
Cue heist movie music.
Two weeks before this meeting, the department director got on a call with me and plainly stated that I had to be back in the office for 4 days a week no exceptions. They invited HR mid-meeting to basically repeat what the director had said. I said that I couldn't possibly do that, and the HR rep looked into my soul and said “that's not the company's problem, we are being more than understanding and generous”. I even offered to take reduced pay to stay remote, they literally word-for-word just repeated what they said earlier. I felt powerless, I mean who do you go to when HR is at your throat too?
This completely blindsided me as approximately a month before this that same director had verbally affirmed that I do not need to come back to the office and that we could start the conversation again a year from that date.
Me, still trusting my elders if you catch my drift, thought nothing of it. I didn't even ask for written confirmation of what the director had told me.
I know… I know… It gets worse though.
In this same meeting (the one two weeks before the big one) I tell the director and HR, “Hey you said I didn't have to worry and we would talk about it next year, I made big decisions under this affirmation”, to which the director replied coldly, “I never said that”. They straight up lied to my face. Their words like daggers, their expression like bad porn acting.
I knew in that moment that these two people were my mortal enemies, and that I would not only win, but utterly decimate their existence.
What they didn't know is that they had given me the tool of my salvation, the process flow. I had until the big meeting (from the beginning) which was two weeks to get back into the office or present a plan of coming back. This plan would be reviewed by them (director and HR rep) and then sent to the department VP for approval. If I refused to come back they would “voluntarily resign me from my position”. I didn't know what I know now, so I felt as though I'm fked anyway I might as well go down gloriously.
So I did what any sane person would do, I called the VP and told them everything. The VP was upset that their director would not own up to their word, and they said not to worry about it as my team is remote capable. I didn't mention the big meeting coming up, because I wanted, nay, I needed to see their faces as I obliterated them.
I can only say that many beers were drank that night coming up with my script of what to say to my two mortal enemies, who had no idea of my shenanigans.
Lights. Camera. Action!
HR rep asks me for my plan to return to work while director nods their head menacingly (tight lips and all). I say one sentence and that's it.
“I met with VP and we worked it out”.
They both looked completely shocked, mouths agape and their eyes darting around trying to regain control over me. They asked what my return to work plan is, and I said the same thing again with a big ol' smile on my face. They tried to say how I was refusing to return to work and that they would begin the resignation process. I said, you guessed it, the same thing again. By now I could tell they were both dumbfounded and furious. I just kept looking and smiling. They ended the meeting saying they would bring my refusal to the VP because I honestly think they didn't know what to do. This time I said, just kidding, the exact same thing again.
They tried to start recording the meeting and at this point I typed in the chat,
“Have another meeting have to run, thank you”
I definitely didn't have another meeting. I left and never heard anything about again. Then a couple weeks later I found out that both director and HR rep were let go.
Turns out there is a head of HR, and i let them know how their rep talked to me.
Victory is mine.
The end.