I’m overly emotional right now so I don’t have a very clear head and need some sorta advice.
Last night I was headed home from Denver back to my house in the mountains of Colorado, and since it was snowing, they had some safety closures of the interstate and all roads headed into the mountains. At this point I was all good, it was 8pm and I had plenty of time to figure it out. I went to each of the side roads that they sometimes let very limited people, usually locals, through to travel back to their homes. I was turned away as my house was too far to travel as deemed by the state’s DOT. That’s all good too, completely understood this situation.
I guess some more background: I have a history of mental illness. There are meds I need in order to make it through each day, and right now I have none because I took mine from yesterday and was not planning on staying an extra night. I take extra anxiety pills with me on an as-needed basis, but I only had two of these yesterday. I took one as directed, with the rest of my meds, and the other as I was figuring out the interstate was closed in order to curb any unnecessary anxiety.
Anyways, I waited for over 3 hours in line in case the interstate were to open (it didn’t), and ended up booking a hotel room close by. This was completely fine too. I ended up not being able to sleep (grand total of 45 minutes) since I had nothing to slow down my head, and I only fell asleep when my thoughts exhausted me so much it caused a double negative and conked me out.
Before that whole sleep debacle, I messaged my boss as soon as I finally got into a hotel room that I would not be able to make it in the next day. This was due to my history of not sleeping well in hotels, my lack of medication with me, and many other reasons that I agreed with my parents were valid in order to reduce anxiety and/or stress and prevent me from having a panic attack. I did not communicate these reasons to my manager, I only let him know of my availability and how many different ways I tried to get back to my house to show I put in deep effort (which I did).
Keep in mind, the last major panic attack I had left me nearly dead-bodied for a day, meaning I could barely move. As my mind had been racing and as I was trying to keep myself from a panic attack, I lost track of time and suddenly it’s 6:30am and this is the response from my manager. I’m sort of baffled. Granted, he’s never been supportive of my mental health journey, and he made it clear by saying that he thought I was “too young to have mental problems”. And I guess I didn’t clearly communicate how close I am to a panic attack and how I have nothing, no one and no medication, to curb this from happening.
If it isn’t coming through w the post, I’m in hysterics once again. I’m very close to a panic attack right now, but I wanted to make a somewhat coherent cry for advice. He’s right, I’m only 1.5 hours away. Work starts in 30 minutes. Math works out, right? I’m trying my best to contain myself so I don’t have to end up in the hospital again like I was 3 weeks ago, but here I am once again. I’m only 20 years old and I don’t know any boundaries of what’s realistic in job expectations, but I’m pissed. What should I do in order to balance my mental well-being and work life if my mental well-being is disregarded and is actively a blind spot for my manager?
Slight update before I even post this: He just messaged me “Hope your up and on your way”