This has been hard to write. I don't know how to organize my thoughts on this, so I apologize if it's long winded. I really just wanted to vent, and this seems like the place to do it.
I work in a college library and I'm completely burnt out. I don't have a degree in library science, so I'm not a librarian, I'm just a lowly staff person, which means I have the pleasure of being talked down to by every asshole at work that feels proud of their expensive degree. Even though I'm “just staff,” I have more knowledge of our actual library systems than anyone else at my job, save my direct supervisor, and I do waaay more work than any of my coworkers, who spend most of their time dicking around on the internet. I've written more than half of our library procedures, I'm even the one that wrote our copyright policies during COVID.
I've been here for over two years, and I know that's not long in the grand scheme of things, but I'm so done. It's the same tedious things every day, more and more long term projects piled on with no end in sight, and no possible advancement. And the work is meaningless. There are deadlines, annoying requirements, and so many bullshit little details, but in the end it's all meaningless because no one uses the fucking library anymore. And honestly, if you're in undergrad classes, you don't need most of the resources your school's library has. (I could rant about this for paragraphs, but I won't).
At this point I do honestly less than the bare minimum. I feel like I'm drowning, so I've decided to do as little work as possible. But I still have to deal with a boss I hate, a library that I hate, and anything I actually do work on feels like pure agony.
I feel trapped. I have an art degree and work experience at a library. The only jobs I can get in other industries are entry level, and either pay the same or less, and right now I'm living paycheck to paycheck. I've applied to other places, all I've gotten in return are the odd few rejection letters, and radio silence.
And there aren't exactly a ton of decently paying library jobs, not that I'd want to work in another library (it's a dead, useless industry but that's another post for another day.)
I'm in the process of applying to grad school, because I feel like that's my only way out. I really don't want to be a student again, and I truly don't want to take on debt (something I've avoided thus far), but I really don't feel that I have another choice. And until I get accepted to a school, and know where I'm going, I'm stuck at my current gig.
I don't want to be here for another year. I don't want to be here for another day. Somehow, having an end in sight has made my job even more intolerable. Every day, I think about quitting, but I need insurance, and even though my job doesn't pay shit, it has wonderful insurance as a benefit. I just don't know what to do, but right now I'm at the point where quitting with nothing lined up feels preferable to another day at this hell hole.
I'm a childhood cancer survivor. I cannot believe I survived cancer, just so I could work at this bullshit community college library. I cannot believe I went through chemo therapy just so I could be my boss's little whipping boy. I wish someone had told me this was the future I would get, after surviving. I would've opted out of treatment.
I don't know how to look at the positives, be present, enjoy the good parts of my life. I've tried that, but I still have to waste 45 hours of my life a week doing meaningless, tedious work that I viscerally hate, surrounded by people I despise. At least when I was in the hospital, I felt like I had more agency over my life.