Not sure where to put this, but this seemed like a good enough place. And figure other people here might feel the same.
My job isn't exactly hard, it isn't stressful (usually) and while it requires a bit of knowledge and technical skill it isn't what I'd call “difficult”. However, I still feel like it's going to kill me one day. It'd be easy to suggest changing jobs or even careers, however, it isn't really the job that's the problem; it's me, or rather.. me doing things. Everything I do I feels like a failure, no matter how well I do or that no one seems to complain, all I can see with it is what I'm doing wrong. All my memories of my childhood, to now.. every one of them how I've disappointed myself, other people, or simply pissed people off so much that they avoid me.
I guess I should tell you that I'm a graphic designer for a mid-market TV News station, not that it matters. I could be achieving my dreams of screenwriting, game design, or whatever stereotypical thing white men my age dream to be. I would still feel like everything I do is crap.
It's probably for the best that I'm floundering on my goals; I'm not entirely sure if I'd be able to handle feeling like a failure while attempting to succeed at my goals, when it's shit I don't really care about well.. it's acceptable, but if it was something that get's me up in the morning.. if I felt like I couldn't do it.. well, it'd probably have a very traumatic result for the few people that still care for me. Think of it as a vocational version of “Better the world thinks you're an idiot than open your mouth and prove them right”, or something. Going to work is utterly depressing, not because of the content (it's mostly Gas Price monitor graphics, maps, and mug shots), but just having to devote 1/3 or my day to something I know will result in disappointment every day is enough to suck your soul into nothing.
The only time… the ONLY time, I don't want to unalive myself is when I'm not working. Life would be so much better if I could just wake up and do nothing, or maybe play Russian Roulette of sorts by actually pursuing something I want, and prove to myself once and for all whether or not I'm the loser I am. But that's the thing too.. even if I don't hate the things I do, even if I actually produce good work, even if I make something that people love and it somehow changes the world…. I don't think it'd be enough. And if that doesn't make me a loser, I don't know what does. So the sad honest truth is my only real hope of living past 2 to 3 years, is winning the lottery, or some other route to financial independence… just so I can just do nothing. Because, the more I do, the more I “accomplish”, the less I want to be alive.
Honestly, sometimes I think of joining a cult, not because I could actually believe any of that… too much of a pessimist, but joining simply for the fact that I'd just wake up and do cult shit, not worrying about taxes, or gas prices, or maintaining my home, or what I'm going to do for retirement… I'm sure they have their own bullshit to deal with, but at least it'd be different. I wonder how many people join cults for the same reason, not because of delusions of being one with a cosmic ray beam or some shit… but just because… fuck the world.
Well whatever, sorry I don't have anything actually productive to post. And I'm sure this'll get deleted or flamed out of existence (par for the course). But it felt like something I had to write, even If I hate it all and none of it feels 100% or even 80% real.