I'm at a standstill…I am a RN. I have had to take “mental health breaks” over the last 3 years several times. I see a professional, I'm on meds, but I feel stuck.
…during the day I should be actively job searching but when I start, I get so overwhelmed with anxiety & a deep wave of hopelessness. I have such a love hate with nursing. I'm naturally very empathetic, it's exhausting. I just left inpatient psych position bc I was getting physically hurt by patients & no one in leadership did anything. When I asked to switch units, I was punished by my supervisor I had coworkers gift me PTO for my time off as they knew I needed it When I got my next paycheck, it was negative all the gifted PTO was taken back. I went to HR to no avail. I just quit. No notice. I felt (& still fighting it) worthless & guilty bc I can't seem to control my emotions very well. I cry too easily. The thing is, I'm a damn good nurse. I care. A lot. But I am stuck. I'm afraid of failure, of disappointment, of mental breakdowns. I'm 43, why can't I just feel better???? I'm tired of med changes. I'm tired of using my “coping skills”
The only thing that keeps me here is my 17 yo son. I think about him when I'm this sad. He's visiting his dad out of state currently. He also told me last week he is probably going to move to his dad's area for college… how do I find purpose again when I feel so empty, tired and sad? I think about death every single day. But only bc I'm tired of feeling this way & feeling like I'm in a battle with myself constantly…But I wouldn't leave bc it would hurt the few people who do love me…I wish I loved myself. Fucking all of this is overrated…ty if you got to here. I don't know what I'm asking. Maybe someone has experience or words of wisdom… the people in my life are tired of me.