Hello everyone,
I need some help (27, started an engineering job 2 years ago after finishing school). I can't imagine a life where you are 40h/week miserable and sad, for my next 40 years.
I've always been the kind of person that loves to learn, understands new concepts and opens their views on a multitudes of things. I'm easily interested in different subjects and I find a lot of pleasure in observing the wonders of the world. I'm introverted in a way that i enjoy a lot being alone and creating stuff (writing, making music, painting), but i enjoy the company of others.
My early good grades and natural curiosity led me to studying sciences and engineering in university, as the teaching materials was interesting and led to a stable and valued life. I could lose myself for hours/days in classes that appealed to me, and I've always manage to do the boring ones in short bursts of concentration and efforts. This way, I had to invest less than 6 hours in week in things my brain was begging me to think of something else.
Sadly, the work life is driving me insane, and fast. My boss is understanding, my collegues are kind and my age, the wage is above average and we get about 4 weeks off per year (in contrast to the usual 2). I'm genuinely interested in the formations we have, and I'm always asking tons of questions to clarify and understand what happens and why. That should have led me to being confident and able in my work. But after two years, it's the other way around. Each day is a pure torture of mental tug-of-war between me wanting to meet deadlines and produce some quality work, and thinking about interesting stuff (either ideas for artsy things, or just general passing thoughts, like how the company economics work, etc). Especially that now the 10-15 hrs/a week (as in school) is foregone, even if I'm only able to concentrate in short bursts before feeling my brain overheating, it's harder and harder to not think about throwing myself off the stairs to have a valid excuse to skip work for a while.
I have some ideas about why this is happening, and i think it's mostly about “executing” tasks (and/or a possible ADD). I've always been more of an observer than an executer, as i find very little value in what i produce except if it has a little “wonder” factor (art, things that spread benevolence in my neighborhood, etc). I really don't care about money, power or material possessions at this point, only in working less, spending less time putting all my brainpower in things that sucks my soul day after day.
So I was wondering, has anyone been throught there ? I'm open if it's a matter of doing what I love in my work, but as I hate “executing” and “producing” stuff, i find the possibilities a bit slimmer than I'd like. If anyone recognizes a bit of themselves in that, and is a teaching, or researching job able to fill some of the holes ? I don't consider myself lazy, but I tend to procrastinate automatically when it's boring and requires brainpower, and for 40h/week it's straight up impossible to pass through each week unscathed. I'm also considering part time jobs that i could change when it's getting boring, but I would lose a pretty expensive and hard earned degree, even if I'm pretty convinced engineering is just not for me after all. I feel I found myself and who I am, but it doesn't fit in at all with feeling like a valued member of society.
I think a life pursuing passions and interests is where life is valued, way more than economic growth and “getting farther in life”. I'm looking at the UBI proposition and it makes so much sense, receiving a fixed amount for living expenditures and being able to work an amount of hours of your taste to raise further your quality of life. All the automations should have made it possible, but I feel it's the other way around.
Thank you and please avoid hurtful comments, I feel at a crossroad in life…