37M autistic. I have my set tasks at work, I do them every day, my bosses gave them to me, I do them well/efficiently/properly, they don't take the entire day, they are not taxing/hard, I have no helicopter observation (I practically don't exist) I clock in, I clock out. At this stage I could probably rewrite the Peter Gibbons speech from Office Space.
In an 8-hour day I work less than 2, giving me at least 5-6 to kill every single day, (I know right? sounds amazing but no) the only real stress I deal with is 1. The imposter syndrome (I work in open plan, constantly surrounded by people actually working and constantly comparing myself to others) which doesn't help and 2. The stress of knowing I have done all my tasks, but the feeling of getting caught doing nothing. I have asked before in r/AmItheAsshole but the jury is still out. I have asked my bosses for more work, so many times, that I feel like I will become the asshole if I keep asking and have been told many times that there isn't any, even put up my hand for a specific job, of manning a desk while people are away, and was told, to my face, not to bring it up again.
I was always told to “find something you love to do, and get paid to do it” well I am pretty certain that no one will pay me to sit at home all day and download stuff from the net, so I got a job, don't get me wrong I enjoy it, but the stress of trying to find stuff to do, and the fear of getting caught doing nothing is damaging to my brain. We even have a rest room here, a meditation room, that I use everyday at 4, for the last hour of the day, and feel guilty if I ever get caught in there, even though the company provides it.
If I didn't have my podcasts/audiobooks/tv shows etc (perfect example I am writing this currently at work, hoping someone interprets my quick typing as writing something incredibly important) I would have nothing to eat up my time, but I am pretty certain work doesn't pay me to do that.
Recently it made the news that a boss docked an employees pay for being on his phone for a good portion of his work shift (thank God that doesn't exist at my work otherwise I would be fucked) his argument was there nothing to do, there were no customers the place was open on a weekend, it was dead as a doornail. nothing, her argument was “you could be cleaning, tidying up being useful? the place was dead, they have cleaners, there was nothing to do!!! I side with the kid.
People reading this will probably reply, with
“Enjoy it while it lasts” or “move on and find something you love”.
Those kinds of comments won't help me at this stage.
I need a job due to my condition and state of life, mainly for routine and giving me a sense of purpose, but for every positive I can rattle off about my current situation (no observation, unlimited coffee/snacks, my own desk, I can disappear for ages and no one comes looking, my tasks aren't hard/complicated) I feel like I am on egg shells every day, waiting until it could all come crashing down, by someone else observing me not doing anything, when I know I am in the clear.