Not sure if I'm understanding things correctly, can someone tell me if this is how the world really works…?
You can’t show up for work: Need explanation, need doctor’s note, need to find someone to cover, get written up
Your company can’t schedule correctly: Too bad, deal with it
You can't come in because of the weather: You’re irresponsible and not a team player
Your company closes early because of the weather: We're protecting against business loss
You take any time off: You’re not a team player
Your manager goes on vacation: Manager deserves to recharge
You call your job your “family”: Get laughed at
Your job says you're part of a “family”: Acceptable job description
You need tax forms that you never received: Pay us $10 to download a PDF of your W-2
Your ex-company wants stuff on your hard drive: It’s our property, give it to us or we’ll sue
You quit without giving 2 weeks' notice: It’s unprofessional, you don’t care about your “family”
Your company fires you without warning: It’s a business decision, too bad
You sign a non-compete: It’s necessary to protect our investment in you
You tell your company to sign a non-compete: HAHAHAHAHA
If you don’t get a raise: You’re being paid what you’re worth
If the CEO gets a bonus: The CEO deserves it
Company makes a ton of money, but you still don’t get a raise: Times are tough/are going to be tough
Company makes a ton of money, management gets bonuses: They deserve it
You ask for a raise because of inflation: Sorry
Your company raises prices because of inflation: It's necessary for margins
You cry about not getting paid enough: You're lazy/stupid/uneducated/unqualified
Your company cries about not getting enough business: It's the economy/bad government policy
You apply for food stamps: Lazy socialist bastard
Company applies for millions in tax breaks: We deserve it
You declare bankruptcy: You’re an irresponsible deadbeat
Company declares bankruptcy: We’re renegotiating our debts to save our business
You pay a ton of taxes: It’s necessary to support the public welfare
Your company pays $0 in taxes: We deserve tax breaks
You try to record your boss: You can’t do that, it’s against the rules
Your boss tries to record you: We need to protect the business
You leave a negative review: Company threatens you with defamation
Your company gives you a negative reference: Too bad, should've kissed your boss’ ass
Do something immoral: You have violated company policy XYZ, get written up
Company does something immoral: It’s a business decision, and necessary for our survival
You lie: You’re a dishonest employee and we’re firing you for cause
Company lies: It’s just a change in policy
You park in a no-parking zone: Get ticketed and towed
Courier company parks in a no-parking zone: Nothing happens
You get caught speeding in your personal car: Get ticketed and pay out of pocket
You get caught speeding in your company car after your boss tells you to drive faster: Get ticketed and pay out of pocket
You handcuff your boss for wrongdoing: Assault and battery
Your company handcuffs you for wrongdoing: It's OK, they have a licensed private police force
Maximum amount that you can legally bribe your Congressman: $2,900
Maximum amount a company can legally bribe your Congressman: Unlimited through Super PACs
You call your Congressman: Talk to an overworked secretary/intern who can't wait to hang up
Your company calls your Congressman: Golf followed by drinks at a VIP club
You write to your Congressman: Get a canned form letter in response
Your company writes to your Congressman: Get legislation written in your company's favor
Worst thing that can happen if you steal from the tip jar: Jail time, criminal record
Worst thing that can happen if your company steals from the tip jar: Give the tips back and pay a small fine
Worst thing that can happen if you sell a chair that breaks and kills someone: Jail time, criminal record, bankruptcy
Worst thing that can happen if your company sells a car that kills dozens: Pay money
Worst thing that can happen if you burn some leaves during a burn ban: Jail time, criminal record
Worst thing that can happen if your chemical company poisons an entire river with cancer-causing PFOAs: Pay money
Worst thing that can happen if you spill motor oil down a storm drain: Jail time, criminal record
Worst thing that can happen if your oil company kills 11 people and spills crude oil across the entire Gulf of Mexico: Pay money
Worst thing that can happen if you kill 1 person: Execution
Worst thing that can happen if your chemical company kills 8,000 people and poisons hundreds of thousands more: Pay money
Worst thing to happen if you try to overthrow the government: Execution
Worst thing to happen if a bunch of Wall Street bankers try to recruit a famous general to overthrow the government: Nothing