For context I'm a veterinarian, one of the jobs with the highest suicide rate. Yay ! Starting strong.
I've been struggling with a depression relapse for three months now, and that obviously shows. My boss is happy with my performance in general, but thinks I'm not a strong team player because I don't hide the fact that I'm tired and I would like to go home all the time. I work three days a week (which is supposed to be a 30 hour week, but I do a 40 hour week give and take because of UNPAID EXTRA WORK) and he said that my coworkers who work more hours feel upset when I say that I'm tired because they work more. Keep in mind I'm not the negative blob all the time, I'm cheerful and bubbly and I always make my coworkers laugh. But when they ask how I'm doing, I say tired. When they want me to do an extra consult which is not in my schedule, I don't gladly take it. I make clear that I'm not particularly happy to do it, but I have to because I don't want the animal to suffer. And I do it anyway. But I guess it's not enough. Oh, keep in mind that he said he likes how I do my consults and how I'm improving on my surgeries, which was my weak point on my last appraisal.
And it's not even my boss' problem. He's paying me to do a job and he wants me to perform well. When I said the depression thing, his answer was that everyone has problems. Which fair, I don't get a pass to underperform because of my issues because everyone has them. This is EVERYWHERE. EVERY JOB. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING JOB. They don't care that you have issues, they just care about you performing well. Fuck, not even that, you need to perform WELL AND WITH A SMILE AND FAKING THAT YOU WAKING UP AT 7AM IN THE MORNING WAS THE BEST FUCKING THING THAT EVER HAPPENED IN YOUR LIFE. No one is going to ask you how hard it was to get up that day. If your first thought was ''I literally want to kill myself but I don't have the guts'' and still get up and go to work, no one is going to give you an applause for that. You just need to suck it up, work, AND DON'T LET IT SHOW.
How distopic was it that he was there sitting there with a smile, telling me that everyone has problems and that I shouldn't let mine show? What's everyones problem dude? Why don't they realize? Everyone is tired, everyone is struggling, but they hide it and you're in the wrong for not doing the same.
I understand it doesn't help to have a team of people complaining how tired they are all the time (which is not me), but like WHY are we ignoring that this is a GLOBAL PROBLEM and not doing shit about it and blaming the member of the staff who is aware of how shit everything is????
Anyway, desperate thoughts are back and suicidal thoughts are back because there's literally no way to escape this shit. If anyone wants a 27 y.o taken lesbian sugar baby hmu.
EDIT: I forgot to say that my performance with the clients is top peak and they usually like me very much 🙂