TLDR: Too many decisions, too many camel straws and no way to control the situation leaves a person stranded in their own hell.
Like all of you, I've applied to standard job after job after job. My first job lasted a week, my second one two months with a one month break in between. The only other thing I've been want to keep is self employed delivery but my car got totaled and I can't do that anymore. I'm working towards getting on social security because of autism, ADHD, heart issues and just a lot of other things going on. In the meantime, I've been feeling pretty useless and just not sure what to do. I'm off and on suicidal and this is one of my better months despite everything going on.
I have a counselor with Department of Vocational Resources trying to get me to get a job but I just haven't felt interested in looking. I've tried a few times so I don't feel like a failure when I meet with her again but haven't applied to anything because nothing feels right.
I got ours from my insurance for my car than I expected and I can't afford a vehicle right now, not one that doesn't require its weight in repairs, and I just don't know what to do. It can take months before I get any social security and then I have to 'pay rent' to my grandmother so she can put extra money in a trust fund for me from that social security since I can't have over $2000 in my name if I'm on it.
I want to be able to run a business and I've made two big art sales and even exposure of my music by a guy who wanted to use it but that's not enough. $300 in art sales doesn't last long and that car wreck I had in December tried me to pay off a ticket which caused me to be unable to pay off my credit card, dropping my score from almost 700 to barely 500 and it's AWFUL because if I'm ever going to be able to live on my own I need a good credit to get an apartment, or if I want a loan or to make car payments.
And then my granny just bought a house so I'll be living with her until I get a place but it's a 55+ community so I'm technically there as her caregiver but there doesn't look to be any guarantee that her insurance will be able to pay me (which I've heard some will). And if she dies I have to sell the house and split the money with her other kids – technically I'm her daughter through adoption but I call her granny and then I won't have anywhere to go especially if I don't have a vehicle but I have a CAT who's my emotional support animal, she's one of the only reasons I haven't offed myself. And I can pet sit for a few people in the living community granny's moving too but with them all being older folk most of them won't have much reason to leave and need a sitter.
I just don't know where to focus right now or what to do or ANYTHING. I'm SCARED about how things are going to go for me. Like I said, the only job I've been able to keep requires a car but I can't get a car without a job to earn the money for a car. I can try my art or music or game development or pet care but so far none of that is any level of feasible for my survival and I'm just DONE with all of it.
I'm lost and confused and I'm just trying to find my way in the darkness like everyone else…
If you read this far, thank you, you didn't have to.