I went through trauma and abuse throughout my childhood.
Everyone has their coping mechanisms. My coping mechanism was to read, learn, understand, wonder and share. Basically, do things that feed the soul. not for compliance and outcome.
I would help people, read stories, play music. These were the things i loved doing and became part of my self identity and existence.
These were the things that helped me swim through the negative experiences of life.
My war with Money and outcome based life
Whenever money comes in the equation, i felt restricted with the flow of thought and work. If money or outcome became priority, it increases sense of scarcity, control.
I saw how people started behaving toxic whenever money came into the picture. Trying to bound me, structurize me.
That’s why i hated working for money. Money and industrial production age values made me felt that it is taking away my oxygen. My life, my soul.
I was very “talented” in traditional sense. People would go in AWE looking at my projects and knowledge.
“We wonder how you can do it, we never thought of it”
People
There was no secret to my talent, it was just a habit of living with uncertainty, play and because i was getting outcomes which were uncommon. Hence enterprising to everyone.
Now i know, talent is nothing but having fun and embracing uncertainty. Is nt that the definition of play?
Money gave me stress,
Because i was abused in its name. I was told that i am totally absent minded when it comes to money. And that i won’t be able to earn money ever in life.
My subconscious brain internalized it.
“I don’t deserve money. I cannot get money”
I did nt hate people saying all this as much as I started hating money. Subconsciously, for ruining my peace, for destroying my self worth.
I also became more people pleasing, not saying things and conforming to others.
I tried taking a jobs but i was either paid less, or was shouted upon because i was not very streamlined with how i worked.
My inner self knew that i could do anything but take the abuse, I could clean the toilets, sleep on the floor. But my desperate traumatic hurt soul wanted relief.
Eventually i thought i would do necessary projects to earn enough to sustain myself but my inner tendencies stopped me everytime i wanted to work on these projects for money.
Money makes money, and the first 100k is most difficult to make. If you have space, team it gets rather easier. But i got no support or set up that would help me jump the big wall i had built between money and me.
I had to begin with zero, nothing. And that demanded a shift of mindset.
You can judge and say that it was my fault, but you have no idea how difficult it is do projects that has no certainty , that is against part of your sense of survival and comfort. Continuously for months.
I had my little successes along the way, but it was all basically not me. So my efforts were slanky, swampy out of energy and consistency.
All this time though, I kept feeding my soul however, kept learning. I learnt how to make music, i read about psychology. I watched films, stories. I learnt how to make films.
I would devour information about complex questions of life. I would daydream. I would offer emotional support to people around me. Help them in tangible ways, do their errands. And everything that I had to offer.
The more i lived like this, the more i developed a non-money-mindset.
My family, was trying their best to force me to get a job to earn money like everybody else. they used every tool available at their disposal, shame me, guilt me, abuse me.
They took my share of equity in the house, forcefully made me sign relinquishment papers.
If i had got my share, i would nt have to WORK prioritizing money ever in my life. But i did nt get it. My family was typical “well wisher” who wanted to force me to be something which i was not.
They Ridiculed me for being a “loser”. Abused me, belittled me.
Trust me when i say this, I was no slacker, I was doing many things to maintain the house and making their lives easier.
But it was not enough for them. they wanted to see me earn BIG like everyone else.
But this person they wanted me to become was nt me.
The abuse caused me health problems, anxiety and depression. I did nt know, what should i do, where should i go?
A person who had trauma looks for relief as a fish out from water. Their inner soul is looking for comfort and safety.
My living for the soul, was my water. It kept me alive, sane and going.
All these 20 years of my youth, went in struggle to survive.
Luckily (or may be not?) i found a residential school that offered me free stay and food . These were some of the best non-money minded people i met in life. I felt i found my place, i shifted there without a second thought.
I started living there and they offered me some salary to cover my extra expenses. It was nt a lot but as a honorarium. I accepted it. And once i did that how the outlook of people changed.
Earlier, they would feel gratitude for whatever i did, because it was without money and later they started discussing my total outcome and productivity.
“What do you do? What are your responsibitlies and how well do you do them”
It is a polite way to ask what is the VALUE of salary that i am paid?
Life runs in circles, i guess. I continued living there because the “industrial age” value was not as much as other places. Or may be because
Also, when someone pays you a salary, they expect you to be subservient. To be a psychphant , agree with what they have to say and not say things that are unpleasant for them
My “soul” would nt comply to any of those conditions. I said things which were critically wrong. I disagreed. I made complaints of people violating rules and integrity issues.
People started hating me for it. And eventually it became very difficult for me and I had to leave.
I thought there was a world that puts reason, facts, truth up than their whims, instincts.
But i was proved wrong.
Anyways, i saved some money while staying there and since then living life in a suitcase, renting places.
I tried my hand in share market, but it did nt work. It requires a VERY desciplined decoram in the brain.
My tendencies, or that people called talent were useless.
Slowly and slowly im reaching the end of finishing my savings. I am on the verge of selling whatever little things i have. But that wont sustain me for long.
Going back to job business from scratch. Like a fresher. Leave all my projects knowledge, back at home.
The dilemma is like killing a part of myself because the crisis calls for so.
This is what happens to Free thinking, talent, in a world where everything is seen from materialistic value.
I don’t know what i am i going to do? How will i survive get throughmy days. My expenses are minimal. 70% of it goes on rent and internet.
I called and literally begged at home for my rights. At at least give me at least to sustain myself.
I got abuses, ridicules in return. And i decided, what’s the life that is lived around abuses? I would nt want that.
I felt like a wild animal, ousted from the forest, because he cannot or does not want to fight. This was MY place, my right. I did nt get even if i begged for it.
I can’t ask for money from people. This again is something i have never done.
I don’t know what i will do. May be join a job, where i have to misguide people into buying something they should not? Or work for a corporation that exploits people? Or make meaningless presentations that don’t help anybody.
My soul, my chastity my talent that i lived with. My survival and coping mechanism is hanging on the edge. My free speech, my endearing attitude to speak the truth. To help others. All of this part of me, is like kept at this station where supplies of water, food as ended.
the train to the world of money. Individualism is on the track. It asks me to start from bottom , work hard, mindlessly and promises me food to survive, place to live.
They do not allow this baggage of soul and innocence.
What do i do? choose the option of Living for sake living and kill my soul ? Or…..