Let me first say that when I am into my job, I feel I am as hard a worker as there is. I can go a year without calling in, I'm a half hour early to work each and every single day. I get promotions (that pay…meh). But inevitably, I come to a point where I just can't take it anymore. Except I do, and I keep on. Maybe every three years or so I'll change one job for another mediocre at best retail job with garbage hours and low pay. Forget weekends, forget set schedule, forget even having two consecutive days off. Ever.
I'm 47, pushing 48, and have no skills that will land me anywhere near anything lucrative. Oh, I went to college alright, and graduated top 5 of my class at a funeral institution. Know how much money I made off that $25,000 investment? $0.00. That was back in 2012. You can guess my trajectory from there to here.
I'm good at work, but I know I'll never find anything that I love, and I've always asked myself why the fuck bother do something you don't love. So I guess I'm an idealist. Or an idealist poser. Doesn't matter. There is nothing left to try to do, nothing above where I already am. I know I should just shut up and go to work and be thankful I even got this far. But…the cracks are showing again. I'm tired…tired of being on my feet all day, tired of the garbage schedule and loss of time with family. I'm starting to use my sick days and standing around more and more just waiting for the clock to move. Mortality is becoming more and more a factor, and each day I tick off another day of my life pretending to give a shit about customers and trying not to think about where I ended up in life.
I've come up with every money-making idea you could ever dream of. From writing to selling on Ebay to social media to inventions. I strike out every single time, and now…there is just nothing left.
Just a rhetorical question…when you find yourself a particular age, too far gone to start over or catch anyone's attention, when you aren't good enough or too poor to become something greater than your average shit retail job…where do you turn? If I knew at 25 where I'd end up in my adult working life….
Game over, man, game over.