I just got home from walking my dog. Had lunch at the dining table alone and in the quiet (after god knows how many years – usually its eat finger foods with TV on and then get back to work). Logged back into work, and…I'd rather (no joke) walk into the middle of the road and let a car hit me.
Let me explain, I am not suicide ideating. I'm not depressed. I don't need therapy (already there, doing the work), done the meds. Frankly, If I take a step back – in general – I'm pretty happy (i would know happiness, given I've been depressed, dealt with the anxiety and survived unaliving myself). I think its all the politics, the pandemic, the war, the lack of freedom, the constant working, the inability to just be. I am simply put, burnt out. Beyond belief. I do not have privilege. I can probably take a week or two off from work but then I'll have to be back here again.
This is by far the best job I've had. the best company I've ever worked for. The most money I've ever made (I'm not comfortable, but by no means am I struggling). It's clear this will never end. This feeling…it sort of dwindles out some times for a few hours but then it's back. how do you deal with it? how do you deal with 'this'? how do you keep on working and never stop and stay in a healthy, happy state of mind? how do you deal with the dichotomy of not being depressed or miserable, but just unable to 'do.'
and please don't tell me to 'find my passion,' I've mentioned i dont have privilege and it's obtuse to assume everyone can step away from providing for themselves and their families to 'follow their dreams,' so they can invest in their passions and mental health. I can't do that. so what else can i do? because clearly i'm anti work