24F, I went to a trade high school for early education. I worked with the kids at the school daycare they had for the teachers kids. Looking back I deeply wish I had just picked IT or culinary and I likely would’ve have a decent job by now. Idk what I was thinking trying to become a preschool teacher. I am too socially anxious and quiet. I wasn’t good with kids so I always ended up with the jobs like cleaning, preparing snacks, prep work for art activities, ect. Obviously the kids preferred the more outgoing students more. Out of high school I decided to try for a nanny career because I felt I’d be better working with just a couple kids at a time. I don’t want to get into it too much but when I was 19 I had a really bad experience with a violent child and the mom never paid me on time. It scared me off from nannying. I couldn’t afford to go back to school so I just made my peace with the fact I will likely end up being a warehouse worker forever. I can’t handle retail because of my social anxiety. I’ve quit pretty much every job I’ve had out of depression and crippling social anxiety (obviously that doesn’t give a good impression to my SIL) but it would have been easier for me to keep this job because it was something I actually wanted to do
My brother and his wife had a baby in September. My mom told me they were looking for a nanny for a few days a week and I was so happy when she told me I could do it. I was going to use the money to go back to school part time. My brother even said “sure” when I said I could nanny for them
But I guess they hired my SIL’s friend instead of me. My mom kept lying to me and telling me I had the job because she knew how much I wanted to do it. At family events I get jealous when my SIL starts talking about her “nanny friend” and how amazing she is with the baby. Obviously I don’t say anything about it but it really upsets me (my own problem I know). I know it’s their kid and their choice but it just reminds me about how I’ve isolated myself so much even my own family think I am a weirdo. My brother always acts above me when he was in the same position I was in at my age. He didn’t move out until he was 27
I can tell my SIL probably thinks I’m weird because of how introverted and quiet I am, so she probably doesn’t want me alone with the baby. I swear it really does just take me a while to warm up to people. I know I should have put in more effort to talk to her if I wanted the job but my mom kept telling me I had it. She really doesn’t seem to like me at all and the first time she’s ever said thank you to me for helping babysit when the nanny isn’t available was this past Easter. She usually will only thank my mom and dad. She even gives them gift cards for helping and doesn’t even acknowledge me when I watched the baby while she was getting ready for the wedding when my mom was sick and pretty much have helped babysit every Saturday for months. I think she assumes my mom does all the work and I just sit around but I’m usually the one holding the baby while she’s crying and trying to soothe her while my mom is complaining about her crying. I’m not saying my mom doesn’t help though because she does
I found out back in February that I didn’t get the job and it still gets to me. My niece will likely grow up seeing her nanny as more of her aunt than me. I’ve already made posts about it so I don’t want to get too much into it but my parents are extremely anxious paranoid helicopter parents. Whenever I try to help babysit my parents constantly watch me around the baby like they think I’m going to do something to hurt her, or I’m too stupid to watch her. Even though I can handle the sound of a crying baby way better than my mom
I know this is really my fault for not getting help sooner with my social anxiety and not trying harder to involve myself in the family. But I felt like this job was kinda my last chance to be more included in the family and like a new start because I wanted a nanny career. If I ever have kids one day I’m just going to start fresh and not even tell my family. My mom especially with probably just make me feel like I am too incompetent to be a mother and insist she move in with me.
I’ve been thinking to trying to join the army to get away and try to start over but I have mental issues. Idk if I can get a waiver. I really hate my social anxiety and how awkward it makes me. It makes people assume I am weird or incompetent