Going to be a bit long. Demanding job is making me physically ill and there's no way I can hide it anymore. I make payment cards.
I have no days off. The days I do get off are conditonal (work two weeks + X to get a day off). Otherwise, no weekends, no holidays. No PTO, but sick leave and wellbeing allows for a little over two weeks total of time off. I work two machines (where most coworkers only work one), and essentially have to fill in the roles of four other people because they simply don't maintain the machines on their shifts. They're only 8 hour shifts and honestly nothing compared to what I've seen here, but I have no day to distance myself. I've been employed for 1.5 years here, and the workload is getting increasingly worse.
I'm also given some of the most complicated work because I seem to be one of the few “patient” enough to do it (i.e. everything accurate and finished before the day ends so no late/legal fees on the company's part).
A lot of people seem to depend on me and look up to me because I can handle a lot of work and don't complain when the deadlines loom.
But I can't handle it anymore.
I've been emotionally irregular all my life (extreme anger + violent ideations about self-harm and harming others, haven't gotten it checked by a professional) and haven't been able to control it while at work. On days where the machines keeps failing (almost every day because it only seems to be properly maintained on my shift), this usually means I slam the machines shut and do other passive-aggressive stuff to it. Otherwise, I don't scream or yell, and although I'm not outright attacking my machines I just become physically reactive with them. I'm very careful about directing my anger to the machines, and don't think I've directed it at other people, but the intensity of my anger seems to scare coworkers. It breaks my heart see people avoid me and pretend not to see my struggles.
I feel that this behavior has hurt my chances of advancing. I've been scouted for positions off the production floor twice now, but they don't go anywhere despite supervisors supporting me. They've mentioned wanting someone with insider knowledge to fill roles in upper management, but sometimes it just feels like they're leading me with a carrot and laughing about it. There seems to be very few internal movements upward, and those nice jobs are usually filled by externals that ultimately leave in about two months time. Rinse repeat for everything happening on the floor.
My behavior has been inappropriate and always will be, but I feel that the anger and resentment is at least justified. I'm stuck and can't seem to go anywhere. I can't seem to find enough time to relax. I pay my bills but don't ever seem to have enough for anything else. In what way should you “professionally” express dying because I'm slowly being suffocated by my anger and my bills and the endless fucking work.