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Antiwork

Delusional Employers Man

I’m going to paraphrase a text exchange I just had with a former employer. A little backstory: Here are just a few highlights from the past five years of my life. Found a job listing on an industry specific website with a vague description, no mention of compensation, and a very strongly worded prerequisite for any who dare to heed the call: No lying. Embarrassingly, I actually liked the idea of a falsehood-free workplace. having found myself countless times on the receiving end of, shall we say, strategically redacted truths and or bold faced lies from coworkers and employers alike. Doubly embarrassing that it took me a few years to uncover what I now understand to be one of a few universal laws of human behavior: We project our own shortcomings on to other people, because we incorrectly assume that everyone behaves like we do when no one is watching…


I’m going to paraphrase a text exchange I just had with a former employer. A little backstory:

Here are just a few highlights from the past five years of my life. Found a job listing on an industry specific website with a vague description, no mention of compensation, and a very strongly worded prerequisite for any who dare to heed the call: No lying.

Embarrassingly, I actually liked the idea of a falsehood-free workplace. having found myself countless times on the receiving end of, shall we say, strategically redacted truths and or bold faced lies from coworkers and employers alike. Doubly embarrassing that it took me a few years to uncover what I now understand to be one of a few universal laws of human behavior:

We project our own shortcomings on to other people, because we incorrectly assume that everyone behaves like we do when no one is watching them. We are distrustful because we are duplicitous. The unfortunate reality that makes this a sound strategy for dealing with other people, is that most of us are exactly the shady kind of people we think they are. Statistically speaking, being overly cautious about who we trust, will be beneficial more often than not.

The reason this is applicable, is that the “no lies allowed” entrepreneur-bro in question employed what I can only describe as a tactically advanced gaslight enriched magical mushroom managerial style, in addition to offering no benefits and no raises over five years of employment. For example, there were times when our characteristically controlling and micromanaging employer would fall of the face of the earth for weeks at a time.

He wasn’t the only thing that would mysteriously disappear during these unannounced out-of-cellphone range family emergency sabbaticals. Often our paychecks would also disappear, one time for almost two months. Even more bizarre, was that our expense cards would all suddenly start declining at the same time. Leaving some of us stranded out-of-state without flights, food, or hotel rooms. The sad part is we enjoyed the time off, not from working but from him. When he finally showed back up, we could always make him extend his absence for another week or so by asking for an explanation.

There are many other issues I could mention, but that’s not really the point of this post. The point is that, six months ago, I received a call informing me of some reorganization. Apparently, it had become necessary to “tighten the belt” a bit so we could run “lean and mean” in these dark times of incompetence and scope creep. My previous employment contract would change to a contract only contract. My new salary would be a sort of pay-as-you-go kinda thing. In other words, a layoff without any of those pesky hard feelings. A promise of future work on a contract by contract basis. I knew what it meant.

Still, triply embarrassing, for a few months I actually thought maybe he would call with some work for me to bid on. Full disclosure, I enjoyed the fuck out of a six month sabbatical of my own without receiving a single call. My love handles hate my guts, but after nearly half a year selling off the few stocks I had squirreled away, I was running dangerously low on fucks. However, before I could muster the fucks necessary to actually start job hunting, I received a call from a customer I had worked with the last five years. Apparently wondering where the fuck I had been, and offering me a position. I had signed a non-compete, but it was for a different state, and made no mention of specific customers plus, they’re not in direct competition with my previous employer, who had me sign the non-compete a year after I started my employment by the way. Odds are that it’s completely unenforceable in this particular situation so, I agreed.

Low and behold, I finally get a call. With threats of legal action and accusations of deceitful behavior. Wouldn’t ya know it, fucking embarrassed again because I did not expect that at all. I’m accused of trading on sensitive company IP to secure a position. I’m told that I am the disappointment, callously disregarding the training that was supposedly given to me and passing up all the work he had for me for the past six months. I didn’t know how to respond.

First of all, I had over a decade of experience when I started working for him and never received any training of note during my employment. Second, I was offered no work for the past six months. I hadn’t signed any sort of agreement since my employment contract was dissolved. Did he honestly believe I was still employed with him regardless of whatever he told the PPP loan administrators to have his loan forgiven? Six months without a single quote requested and I’m to blame for passing up all this phantom work? Third, the only intellectual property I brought to the table at my new company is my own goddamned intellect.

Fuck him for implying that he’s the reason I got hired without a single interview for double what he was paying me plus fucking insurance and retirement, making it painfully obvious how under-appreciated I was. Then fuck him for threatening to throw a monkey wrench into my livelihood for the second time in a single year. Fuck him again for assuming that I intentionally tried to fuck him over out of spite. And fuck him once more for actually saying that “what really hurts” is the money he’ll miss out on. I could have said the same shit about being laid-off fucking prick.

I guess I can’t really blame him for being a vindictive paranoid anus. Running a business must suck when everyone’s out to screw everyone over for the promise of pennies. Our current brand of capitalism takes this unfortunate state of affairs to its logical conclusion. If a hundred companies are competing against each other, and one of them uses immoral and dishonest means to get ahead, any companies that refuse to do the same will not survive. In the end, all that we’re left with is scam artists, con men, and paranoid schizophrenics. There is no other end result. If you want to collapse the entire western economy, here’s one weird trick. Just give it some time.

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