I post this here since it's about one of the main reasons to why I'm antiwork.
As a person, I've always been doing my best to avoid confrontations and would always sacrifice myself and my wishes/needs in an effort to appease those around me. I was always afraid of being a burden, so I rarely asked for anything.
The last year or so, the burden of working in a school environment (in the 2020's, not 1920's) has taken a toll on me. The worst part is – it's not even the kids or their parents that have been wearing me down the most. It's a couple of co-workers (whom I work with the most, so I can't just ignore them) always expecting miracles of me.
If kids get into a fight, it feels like it was either a) my fault for not foreseeing what was going to happen b) me not dealing with things the “right way” (my boss even backed me here) after the fact or c) the kid's feelings = truth, so every situation, which there are billions of any given day, are equally valid.
That's quite something to expect of me or anyone for that matter. I always do my best, but perfection (their definition of perfection) isn't achievable.
As I said, the last year has been both great (in some ways) personally, and horrible professionally. I'm dealing with depression and the only thing that has made me go on is apathy. I literally feel like nothing matters. It's not important. The apathy in combination with realizing, and accepting, the fact that not much is within my control has made aforementioned fear of confrontations go away quite a lot.
A week ago, I had a heated conversation with one of said co-workers where I spew out everything that stressed the living shit out of me. Not the kid's constant fighting and stuff, but for being put on trial for everything. Later that very day, we had a meeting. It was her, myself and one of my bosses. I told her that I never comment or criticize her because I want to be able to demand the same kind of treatment without being a hypocrite (and I don't care enough to bother, but I obviously didn't say that).
She told me “But I'm giving you feedback (nice disguise for bullying) since I've noticed flaws in your performances”… She's my co-worker, not my boss, and that kind of “feedback” from my bosses would have resulted in a call to my union. I was taken aback when my boss actually “sided” with me (he saw where I was coming from, let's put it that way. I was under the impression that she was his favorite, so I didn't expect to gain anything from this meeting.
Her vivid body language just died off when she realized that the boss didn't buy her story where she portrayed herself as doing things out of care and that she wanted to assist me. She also threw a couple of fancy terms into the mix, but that didn't work (it was out of character and just came across as desperate). She said “I get it, you're in a rough spot in life and as of now, you can't handle my feedback.”
I stopped her right then and there, saying “No. This isn't about me being a rough spot in life. This 'feedback' as you call it isn't something I've asked for and you're not in the position to give it. I don't want it ever again. We all do our job to the best of our abilities and I won't stay at home anymore because my mental and physical health are breaking down due to the stress of being chased by you.”
People. People are the reason I'm antiwork. Or, people's bullshit. I just want to do my job, get paid and then go home. I have no interest in furthering a career or whatever. I just want to be left alone and that's one of the reasons why I stay out of my co-worker's businesses.
I miss the part of the pandemic that made society introvert friendly.
A lot of the strength I've felt lately is thanks to you guys. It's empowering to feel like we are a “movement”, however small it is.