This is more of a rant I guess so bear with me. I've been at my job for almost six months now and have pretty much dreaded going in basically every single day since about month two. I'm seriously considering putting in my two weeks next week after I get back from my leave.
It feels like every time I think I've got the job down and that I'm improving, suddenly I get told I am doing something completely wrong. I understand I'm still in the learning phase but being given mixed information often and by different people really messes up my structure or makes me doubt making sound decisions on my own. And there have been times where my mistake bites me in the butt, and the feedback that's given to me about my mistake is basically, “It should have been common sense to do it this way.” I don't think I'm super incompetent but the job is just so detail-oriented and “serious” that I often second-guess myself because I don't want to make a mistake that will have a domino effect on everyone else. I've been thrown under the bus for doing procedures incorrectly too. One time, coworker A talked to both me and coworker B about something I did and they ultimately confronted coworker B about the information they gave me. Then coworker B ended up saying to me that if I don't understand something, I need to ask more questions. I'm not confrontational at all but when that happened, I just thought to myself, I was given an answer that made sense by you, it was just wrong information. Just own up to it!
Although everyone at work has been quite helpful, I've tried to fit into the work culture but my two direct coworkers are honestly super cliquey. The times I've tried to make casual, non-work related conversation with coworker A, it immediately falls flat. Coworker B is nice but unfortunately, that coworker has been the one that hasn't taken responsibility for giving me wrong information a few times in the past and is super two-faced in general. My boss is nice as well but isn't really helpful at all. I feel bad because my anxiety and now low self-esteem is really affecting my overall work performance but I truly feel so isolated and unsupported in my position. I am definitely taking way more time off than I should considering I've only been here a few months. Although I'm grateful my boss seems to be okay with the amount of leave I've taken and has been generally understanding, it's obvious I am really struggling as a whole with the job. Last thing is that this really isn't a terrible job. It's with the government so it has great benefits, good pay and ultimately the job shouldn't be that hard or stressful most days however, I knew from the beginning that my heart wasn't in it. I just thought that if I stick it out, this job will open more opportunities for me for when I decide to leave my hometown. I've tried to tell myself to just keep pushing through since I got through my first couple of months but now that I'm six months in, I don't see myself staying long term. I had an interview very recently for another job that seems to align more with what I actually want to do and I think I would fit in well with the team however, it will be a noticeable pay decrease I'm taking and there are little to no benefits. I figured this will be something I can do while I continue to find a better job. I feel crazy for going with this route but I just can't do my current job anymore and I don't want to waste anybody else's time.
If you've made it this far, thanks for hearing me out. I just needed to get this out of my system, as I feel like I don't really have any friends or family that have gone thru the same experience or that really understand how I truly feel.