I've been home on FMLA from a partial hysterectomy. I have this one boss who always calls me. He would call me at like 10am during the first week after the surgery and I would be knocked out in Percocet land. So I would miss the call and call back around 1:00 and he'd always be like where you sleeping, it's 1pm, he asks how I'm doing, my mom, the kids, tell me I needed to rest up and he calls every couple of days and we repeat that cycle.
I've kind of snapped mentally for whatever reason and I've been depressed (I called my doc yesterday and am picking up meds today). I have no energy to function, it's apparently noticable as I had to go to my local supermarket and people ask me if I was okay because I just didn't seem like my usual cheery self. Like I just feel so washed out that emoting is too much work. No desire to move. And I use up my energy to brighten up, talk, joke and smile to hide it from my son and cook and get through homework.
Currently I have a lot going on, I'm between apartments, the man that's fixing it up for me to move in does one thing then takes three days off before doing anything else, I thought we would be moving in by January 1st, it doesn't even have a kitchen yet. in the meanwhile I'm living with my mom who is giving me shit about my choice to foster and ultimately adopt my idiot jailbird ex's little now 14 year old. I'm reving myself up for This month alone we have court, the monthly home visit and a 6 months recap they like to do with like 7 people on a zoom and it's the most disorganized shit show you can imagine AND they make me drag my boy has to be present the last one took almost two hours and it's exhausting to be living through it and I've built up this anxiety of just not wanting to talk on the phone. or talk on the phone period unless it's life and death.
Literally the phone will ring and I flinch like I just don't want to talk to anyone. Sometimes my boss will call around 12:00 and I'm still sleeping and I don't want to answer the phone and have to say yes I was sleeping at noon. At 2pm. I keep in touch with HR and my supervisor. None of my other bosses have call, just a quick Merry Christmas happy New Year texts.
And to add to this deep depression, super paranoia, I can't trust myself to talk cuz I might just break down crying. I'm an emotional wreck. The hysterectomy might not be helping (did keep ovaries) so I'm not being like plunged into menopause. I'm feeling my boss is adding another layer like I know I need to speak to him today. I sent my son to school and the thought of having to speak to him didn't let me go back to so much needed sleep that I wanted. Cuz I'm just ruminating on I have to speak to him how am I going to explain myself since my email didn't work.
What do I tell him cuz in my email I kind of explained it to him and said you know I'll talk to you when I get back to the office in about 2 weeks and he still called me. And he's not a terrible boss like he's just calling to check up on me but it's just a lot right now. I sounds crazy. Like some little pansy. It's also like I'm just going to sit on the phone and just complain about my life I don't want to do that. I know right now I don't have anything great going on so I just don't want to talk.
He has called me two times and I haven't answered or returned his call, I sent a happy New Years email and I sent him an email telling him that extending my recovery time, and that I'm dealing with some personal stuff, I apologize for inconveniencing him, and that I would be up and at'em in 2 weeks And I felt relieved to send that email and like 2 hours later he called me and I just froze just staring at his number popping up like I get a physical reaction my throat clenches my eyes go wide you think it's The call is coming from inside the house.
Only making it worse for myself because now I just spend the whole day ruminating on how I'm doing this and what am I going to say to him when I do speak to him and I'm really not ready to pick up the phone and talk about work and talk about my personal life with my boss and it's my fault because I allowed him to be in my business. For the last five years.
Also technically I've been reassigned from him so I mean he's calling me as a friend and honestly like I'm not really talking to any of my friends on the phone I'll send a quick text that I'm okay and I'll talk to them later.
I'm 6 weeks out of surgery it's just me spending the time staring at my ceiling wondering what the f*** am I doing with my life right now. Like this is how I am recovering. I don't want to be judged.