After receiving so many emails saying,
“Your experience [as a music teacher] make you a really good fit for [RV salesman, account manager, financial representative, administrative assistant, or everything that has nothing to do with teaching or music!]”,
I decided to write generalized cover letter for the people working in HR at these various companies.. enjoy.
“Hi,
I received your email from what I presume is an automated mailing system because your HR department does a half-assed job in terms of searching for “qualified” applicants. I realize that this cover letter is definitely going straight to the person responsible for such decisions. I do not apologize. Seriously… act like you give a fraction of an ounce of a damn about your job, instead of dicking around on Facebook, TikTok, or whatever NSFW site you troll while on the clock. I hope your keyboard isn't too crusty and sticky. I look forward to meeting you, so that we can exchange ideas on how to better molest company time. I'm a real go-getter, git'r'dun.
Thank you for considering me as a qualified candidate. As a touring musician , I've had to work in many non-OSHA compliant environments, so the shit you're talking about here is baby gravy. I stacks papers all day long, yo. I also have a big problem when a motherfucker gets between me and my motherfucking money, or me doing the job that gets me my motherfucking money. If hired, I guarantee that your company would have the least amount of open, unpaid invoices that it's ever had in the history of the company's existence. While my methods may seem “unconventional,” they do get results – on time (usually ahead of time, once the delinquent realizes that I mean business)! I have several Excel spreadsheets that meticulously track the data, so I'm good with Excel, Google sheets, or whatever the hell you use in your company. I'm a quick study. To me, nothing is impossible.
I look forward to hearing from you about this position. I'm fully qualified to manage deez nuts. If not, go fuck yourself on company time. If so, disregard the previous sentence. Have a nice day!
Thank you
xxxxxxxxxxxx”
Strangely enough, I started getting responses..