Categories
Antiwork

Happy Birthday, You Broke Loser: a brief commentary on dumb little work “incentives.”

Congratulations on being with the company for 5 years! Here’s a ballpoint pen worth $2 with our name on it, to show how much we appreciate your years of dedication. I could use a raise. We made more this quarter than all of last year combined! To share the wealth, upper management has sprung for… a pizza party!!! Be sure not to take more than two slices so everyone can have some. I mean, I could really use a fuckin raise. Our essential workers really risked their lives and the lives of their families to keep society running for us for two years, to acknowledge their sacrifice and the stress they lived through, here’s a stress ball with one of our corporate sponsor’s logos on it that we dug out from storage, plus a tiny pack of six whole haribo gummy bears. How much is a human life worth? What…


Congratulations on being with the company for 5 years! Here’s a ballpoint pen worth $2 with our name on it, to show how much we appreciate your years of dedication.

I could use a raise.

We made more this quarter than all of last year combined! To share the wealth, upper management has sprung for… a pizza party!!! Be sure not to take more than two slices so everyone can have some.

I mean, I could really use a fuckin raise.

Our essential workers really risked their lives and the lives of their families to keep society running for us for two years, to acknowledge their sacrifice and the stress they lived through, here’s a stress ball with one of our corporate sponsor’s logos on it that we dug out from storage, plus a tiny pack of six whole haribo gummy bears.

How much is a human life worth? What if we broke it down into hours, how much is each hour of a human life really worth?

I already don’t like my job and am trying to get something lined up so I can leave. The hiring process was basically a scam, I got bait and switched, essentially. I shouldn’t even be here today!! But they just keep showing how little of a fuck they give about their staff.

For example; when that crazy Christmas storm hit North America and everywhere from Austin to Edmonton was wallowing in frosty white bullshit, our entire city basically shut down because despite being a major Canadian city they have a Fijian snow removal budget. The bus/metro system was advising everyone not to travel and cancelled most of their routes. Taxis and Ubers were entirely unable to move and alongside all other drivers were being advised by the city and law enforcement to stay off the roads. Work sent out an email telling everyone to leave early to get to work on time. They had a number for you to call to let them know if you’d be delayed, but didn’t make calling out an option. It took one of my coworkers eight hours to get home one of those nights. (It’s a hotel, btw, they could put staff up if they chose to, but fuck us.)

Anyway, onto dumb incentives, sorry for the rant tangent. They say they give out gift cards for birthdays. My birthday comes and goes, I never expect work to do anything for that stuff so idc. But two weeks late they actually remember, and I got a card. (Had a message from the one HR lady but signed by no one else.) A Starbucks card inside. Not the kind that say $5 or $15 but the charge up kind. Nowhere is written how much the card is worth.

One coworker insists his was $15. Two other coworkers say no, it would be $5. it’s always $5. I went to use it today to find out.

Guess how much was on the card?

$0.

Gave it back to my manager and he’s like “can’t you activate it?” Like… you mean by putting MY OWN money on it? That’s not a gift dude.

Anyway it’s such a small and stupid thing all I can do is laugh. It means so little and yet… maybe that’s the problem with these dumb little attempts jobs make to get “personal” and be a “family” with the underpaid staff. How about giving me the hours and pay you promised me? That would show your appreciation.

What’s the dumbest little “incentive” you’ve gotten or heard of someone getting?

Others of mine from previous jobs:

  • Company t shirts (the gift of being unpaid advertising, thanks a lot)
  • A grab pile of “sponsor swag” basically a pile of too-small stress balls and too-hard erasers with various insurance provider logos stamped all over them that upper management got from free booths at a seminar
  • The fabled monthly box of break room donut holes, 50% of which are the kind nobody likes
  • Paltry discounts on things staff should get for free (staff meals at restaurants etc)
  • Competition bonuses, so whoever does the most [X] gets the bonus and no one else gets anything even if everyone goes above and beyond and earns their own bonus, resulting in the company making loads of extra money without having to pay more than one staff member for the entire team’s collective extra effort.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *